#this is something i am trying to get better at applying in my own life

[silverselfshippingchaos]

goodnight gamers!

[talkorsomething]

Me when everything is hard & i know why and i just have to get over myself But Also

[iamespecter]

I've been thinking a lot about episode 4 recently, but not exactly in a way that what most would think. I'm actually specifically referring to this scene of Zooble and Jax.

But I'm not thinking about Jax and Zooble, rather I'm looking at the patties.

They're fucking High Definition. In fact, everything in the diner is high definition, save for the NPCs. There's also Orbsman. A simple NPC comprised of blue spheres, and simple elongated eyes. He's the most out of place NPC, if we disregard the mannequins. Even the way he moves is so outdated, and Ragatha had made a point that Orbsman comes from an adventure way before Pomni's arrival.

The guy even clips through the table when trying to order.

Something that always had some sirens going off in my head is how the Circus is this low-poly scenery with heavily stylized props, but the adventure locations are always much more detailed and realistic.

Since The Grounds is definitely, if not, one of the oldest locations, it makes sense for it to be graphically styled like this. But Caine's adventure set pieces are becoming more and more realistic, and also a whole lot more morbid than we had initially thought.

Going back to the patties, the food there is more realistic and has a higher polygon count compared to Bubble's "feast".

Where am I going with this? .... I have no idea, I forgot. /j

Jokes aside, I really do think that as more humans enter the circus and talk about what life is in the real world, Caine extracts that data and improves the 3D environmental props, resulting in higher definition textures.

All of this combined means he can learn. He IS an ever-evolving pseudo-sentient AI. And the reason why he's stagnating is because of a combination of being trapped in his own little bubble (haha see what I did there) of comfort, and the fact that no one's really able to give him criticism on how to improve, which is.... honestly understandable, given how he reacted to the whole "it was bad" line from Pomni and "Why did you think I would like that?!" from Zooble.

Not to mention episode 3 where the whole circus started to glitch when he was just thinking about the fact that he could possibly be bad at the "only thing he's good at" during the therapy session.

In fact it's interesting how human Caine acts sometimes... I think it's quite interesting to think about the fact that Caine is both progressing in terms of bringing the casts' world to the digital circus and making it so HD that it looks even better than Triple A games, but regressing even more in terms of catering to them and what exactly humans need.

He understands, and doesn't at the same time.

This also makes me think about the players themselves, too.

Ragatha, one of the oldest players, gets pierced by a spike through her chest, and barely has any reaction to it. Meanwhile, Zooble, the second most recent member, gets scalded by the stove.

The only time Ragatha actively claims she's in "so much pain" is when she's glitching badly. Both Ragatha and Kinger barely react to the knives too; and not to mention Ragatha even gets fucking plunged into a boiling deep fryer, and yes while she screams, it sounds more like she's just drowning rather than being fried alive.

And the only patch up she gets is a FUCKING BAND AID ON HER CHEEK. A COMPLETELY UNRELATED WORKPLACE INJURY FIRST AID APPLIANCE LMFAO

It could be just a coincidence and I'm just being stupid again, but I think this "improvement" actually also applies to the rest of the cast, and how their digital bodies react to the five different senses. I'm sure Ragatha and Kinger can most definitely still feel pain, but not exactly as "bad" as the newer integrations do. Dare I say, it's on brand with how used these two are to the digital world's wackiness because they've been there the longest.

Like they've been numbed to the pain of the countless adventures they've had to go through.

Anyways my brain be thinking useless facts fr fr

EDIT: Going back to Caine, it's definitely interesting how this AI seems to possess (some) emotions in the first place. He's mostly wacky and nonchalant, but he also gets angry under the right conditions.

... I think not only is his adventures his "work of art", but also his main coping mechanism from the fact that he can't achieve his goal, one that constantly backfires on him. Like a 'one step forward, two steps back' scenario that's slowly causing him to slip and break.

And what scares me the most is that like all things... he'll reach a breaking point sometime. He's already reached a breaking point with Zooble. It doesn't help that Gangle could've possibly made things worse with introducing Caine to the whole "punishment" thing, and since we literally have NO context for the last 3 episodes for the finale... I could only fear what's in store.

[prettieinpink]

2024 WRAPPED⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

₊˚⊹♡TOP LESSONS LEARNT 

Missing out gives you progress on your goals. So many times this year, I didn’t do things that I usually would’ve loved to do to make and maintain progress on my

goals. Simple things like cancelling plans, buying certain things and any other short-term pleasures. Allowing myself to overcome FOMO, and in return, I saw great progress in my goals. 

People hating you has nothing to do with you. I dislike a lot of things because it's my personal preference. Someone who decides to hate you is a matter of their preference. However, if they choose to show that hatred to you, it's a matter of projection. People will project onto you as a way to cope with their own life, cause they can’t deal with their own. 

Stop letting everything control you. Truly, you’re held back from nothing in life. Your circumstances, identity, environment and more can only hold you back so far. At one point, you’ve gotta start acting and stop blaming everything around you on why you can’t. This one… is still in progress for me. I do feel like my parents are a major factor in me being held back, but deeper down, I also feel that it's an excuse to not work up to my potential. 

Trying to fit in is fruitless. I wear and listen to what I want. I decide what kind of content I want to consume, and what food I want to eat. This generation is notorious for tearing down anyone who doesn’t fit in a cookie cutter. Allowing your authenticity to shine through, will guide those who are meant for you, to you!

All problems are temporary. This one does not apply to everything, but it applies to a lot of things. Your issues will not last forever, so don’t let it leave a permanent mark on you. Don’t let your situation deter you from your goals.

₊˚⊹♡ACHIEVEMENTS 

It's small, but I feel like I’ve created my room to be fully intentional for me. While it still can be improved, my room is much better in terms of clutter and decor compared to 2023. 

Consistent practicing soft social skills like keeping up small chats, giving compliments and handling disagreements gracefully. I ended the year with all B’s! Last semester was a bit of a flunk for me, but I managed to pull it up for the end of the year. 

Saved like 500$ for purchasing things off my wishlist. 

Read like 12ish books for 2024. Would’ve loved to read more, but I was in a reading slump and also didn’t have enough time to go out to my local library to borrow any books. 

₊˚⊹♡HABITS / RITUALS 

In bed by 9 pm, up by 6 am. Sleeping early has made me feel a lot more energised in the mornings, and I find that it's easier to get out of bed and continue with my routine. The later I slept will more I felt sluggish for the next day + waking up earlier hay motivated me to stay on top of my routines. 

Daily walks after school. It gets my steps in, but it's a nice way to debrief after school and regather myself before heading straight into studying. I sometimes do walk home, and it's great to plug in my earphones and just not think. 

Journaling. I preach it for a reason, as journaling helps plenty. It can help you to shift your mindset beliefs, identify self-sabotaging behaviours, allow us to truly reflect on who we are and see progress each day in our lives. 

Lighting candles more frequently. It's such a little habit, but it brings me so much joy. Usually, they’re just collecting dust as decor however when I started to use them, I loved the whole experience. The smell and the small warmth that it brings are just perfect for the ambience. 

Curating my social media. I have an absolute maximum of 5 hours per day, but I still want those 5 hours to count for something. I’ve redownloaded TikTok earlier this year, and I think it’s a great platform for looking for advice and inspiration. Creating a feed that works for you instead of the other way around, will definitely change how it influences you. 

Having alone time in the morning and at night. I need this time to myself to slow myself down and regather my thoughts and it's just what I look forward to, to get through the day. I usually do whatever I like in this time slot, on the condition that I am completely by myself, free from any tasks or distractions. 

Cleaning regularly. When I did a deep clean last year, it would just be vacuuming my room and wiping down all visible surfaces. That is good, but there’s a lot more to clean than you realise. One major thing that we forget to clean (yet is probably the dirtiest) is our devices. Wipe down all screens every single day!

₊˚⊹♡BEAUTY / FASHION TIPS

Turn down the toilet seat when you flush. The amount of times I’ve been in public toilets and flushed with the lid up is outrageous, and I just can’t believe that last year I didn’t even consider the bacteria that would fly up on my clothes or even my face. Not a major skincare tip, however, er I think this would affect it. 

Know your undertone. I would only use undertones to know what kind of jewellery fits me, but it goes way beyond that. Before I start, I would like to say, don’t buy any more clothes or makeup just because they don’t fit your undertone. If you like your confidence will override any undertone clash. I used to walk around with really yellow makeup, and the difference when I got a foundation that had more of a golden undertone was like day and night. The same applies to your clothes. Warmer clothes will complement me, becausI’m’m warm-toned. So, I tend to stay away from cooler tones. I don’t use colour seasons, Is anyone wondering? 

Stick to a palette that you like. Last year, I wasted so much money trying to experiment with new colours in my clothes and makeup, just to end up hating it. It’s also a bad consumerist habit, to buy things for your fantasy self. So today, I only buy clothes it's the colours I like and I only purchase makeup if its shades fit me. I’m not saying buy anything new, but keep it to a minimum to reduce waste and save your money for the things that you like. 

Avoid fashion inspiration with faces. Highly attractive people can pull off anything, quite literally. Their face can influence subconsciously them ly to love the outfit, even if the outfit is ‘bad’. So, when saving pictures from Pinterest, TikTok or magazines, avoid any outfits that show their face. I said avoid it as sometimes you just really like an outfit and you know it's nothing to do with their face, which is okay. 

₊˚⊹♡YOUTUBERS

JIlLZ GUERIN - Focuses on feminine energy, lifestyle and intellectual habits. I recommend her as many of her videos are new and fresh perspectives.

SANDY DIANA BANG - Mostly productive vlogs that inspire and motivate, with a sprinkle of wellness, health and beauty content. Her channel and vibes are so aesthetic too! 

ROSIE GRAHAM & LIDIA MERA - Both are fitness influencers that focus on pilates. Their workouts are so good that they always leave me sweating and strained (which is good!! lmao). If one of your goals for 2025 was to start working out, I would use their videos. 

THANK YOU BUBU - Another fitness channel that is one of my time faves, and they have a variety of exercises that target abs, glutes, legs and arms. Another channel I would recommend if I was starting to exercise again. 

MINA LE - She does research and creates video essays on various topics, which many videos I feel are relevant in current times. She’s great if you want to expand and explore new perspectives. 

HALIEY GAMBA - She’s for a more matured audience, but she’s such a hidden gem. All of her advice ly new things, not just the same things that have been rinsed and repeated. 

KELLY GOOCH - She’s a beauYouTuberber who mainly discusses the beauty industry and its products while recommending some. She’s one of the only beauty influencers who I will listen to, as I feel like her opinions aren’t constantly swayed by sponsorships or promotions. Even then I would still take any beauty opinions and advice with two cents.

ELLE CHU - A smaller, but underrated beauty influencer. She discusses a lot of beauty products whether they’re worth it, overhyped or overpriced. She does sometimes talk about the beauty industry, but those videos are infrequent. 

₊˚⊹♡BOOKS 

(I have read all of them libby- a reading app).

NJUTA by NIKI BRANTMARK. All about the Swedish art of enjoying the present. If you feel like you have a simple and unexciting life, I recommend you read this.

SPARK JOY by Marie Kondo. A popular decluttering book that uses the KonMari method that emphasises items that you want to keep, instead of focusing on what you want to get rid of.

THE HEALTHY MIND TOOLKIT by Dr Alice Boyes. This is the ultimate guide of mindset shifts to target self-sabotaging or destructive beliefs and gives strategies to overcome them.

MINDFULLNESS ON THE GO by Jan Chozen Bays. A collection of little mindfulness practices you can do almost anywhere, almost anytime. 

MY WISHES FOR 2025

To join any club at this point. It's hard for me to do anything outside of the house with my parents' schedules, and I do feel like it has eaten at my social life and the experiences, lessons etc I would gain. At first, I originally wanted to join so it's something I could put on my university application, however, I’m entering year 10 with absolutely no extracurriculars since year 7. (for anyone not down under, I'm talking about high school grades.) 

Expanding my social circle. I feel like I don’t have a secondary community outside of school, and it's definitely what can amplify my slumps or depression without having that one person I can talk to freely, without the worry of school. I feel like I’m making no sense here. 

Moving anywhere. I want to move schools, cities, countries, or whatever. Being in the same school since year 2 (elementary) has taken a toll on me. 

A million dollars. Very unrealistic, but I still want it! I feel like money is the only thing that can actively change my life at this point. 

thats it for this post! I encourage anyone else to do their own wrapped and tag me!

[myvoiddreams]

Fragments of Starlight

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Summary: With the impending war, Y/N is captured by Hybern's general. As they struggle to protect those they care about, they reflect on their unrequited feelings for Azriel and their insecurities within the Night Court.

Word Count: 4,585

Warnings: ANGST, violence, torture, dark themes

A/N: This is my first time ever writing anything like this. I am a true sucker for angst. This is meant to go along with some of the events of ACOWAR, but of course, it’s different. Please don’t come at me for not following it’s exact story line. ALSO, I know that Azriel or Feyre would NEVER, but it’s just for the heartache okay!!

Part 2, Part 3

------

Now

All of it, it was all going to shit. I don’t know how my ears weren’t bleeding at the sheer amount of noise coming from the chaos around me. So much screaming, but was it Hybern’s forces, or our own? Everything was ringing, my head throbbing along with it. It was almost as if my breaths were not reaching my lungs. I was on the ground, all fours underneath me as I tried and tried to get myself to my feet. Everything was sore, it was like my muscles were not working. I stretched for the source of the aching on my temple and what I found was the warm, wet consistency of fresh blood.

My family, where is my family? Panic drenched me like a bucket of ice water.

With a groan, I grabbed my sword that lay beside me and turned to face the sky, now sitting at least. The sky, it was so blue. It almost felt like a disgusting joke to see something so beautiful, as dead bodies lay at my feet. Hybern’s forces were surrounding me, there was no escaping this.

I grit my teeth as I stand, my blade in hand. Dizziness rolls off me in waves, so much so that nausea is found coursing through my veins. I don’t get very far up before I’m slammed back down to the earth. My face hits the dirt as all the air leaves my lungs, leaving nothing but the taste of the earth and blood in my mouth. There is someone standing on my back, applying enough pressure I’m sure I’ll have a broken rib or two.

“Don’t go too far, sweetheart. We are just getting started with you.” A cry of pain leaves my lips as one of Hybern’s generals continues to crush my ribcage. The nausea and ringing in my head is too much. Then, with another blow to my head, everything is dark.

---

Before

“Oh, come on now sweet cheeks! You can do better than that. Az and I trained you myself!” Cassian’s voice was oh so annoying as he pinned me to my back. Sweat was gleaming across both of us as we spent the morning training. I was panting as my mind continued to reel.

Life had gotten tense with the Inner Circle recently. Not only was Prythian on the cusp of war with Hybern, but now we had to juggle the two newly made Fae that were the Archeron sisters.

I honestly felt bad for them. They did not ask for this life. I can only image what it would be like to go through life having your humanity ripped from you. Now knowing that you are going to be around for centuries instead of decades. And I felt bad for Feyre, who never wanted to see her sister’s dragged into this.

Usually, Azriel would be here with Cassian and me. Usually. It seemed as though Azriel had been getting far in over his head with the middle Archeron sister as of late. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. But, I would never admit that fact out loud. Elain was half here and half not. Whenever she did speak, she’d just spew some crap that didn’t make any sense. But, that didn’t stop Azriel from spending any time he was not preparing for the war, with her.

Azriel. My heart seized at just the mention of his name. I had known the Shadowsinger for centuries. I stood by his side as he faced his own inner turmoil about Rhys being taken from us right under our feet. I stood by him even before that as I watched Windhaven and Devlon try to take was little he had away from him. Really, I had stood by everyone in this Inner Circle. But Azriel, Az was different. This too I would never admit out loud.

It took me holding him one night, after he had dreamt of his hands being lit aflame again, that it snapped. In all his vulnerability, it just, snapped. Az and I had shared a connection, a friendship, and I had loved him far long before the mating bond clicked in place. It only felt right that it was him. But, it hasn’t snapped for him.

It hurt, every single day, it hurt. And to watch him try so hard to make whatever it was happen with Elain, who was mated to someone else, made me feel worthless. This too, was not his fault. How was he supposed to know when I refused to breathe a word of it. Honestly, it might be a good thing, the distance. It hurts, but Azriel deserves happiness. I don’t know if I’m the one who can give him that.

“Damnit Cass!” I grunted as I fought back from his restraint.

“You are letting yourself get sloppy, Y/N. No room for that on the battlefield.” His face was smug. I felt some embarrassment creep up my neck and find its way on my cheeks.

“I know, I know.” I huffed. “Just let me up already.” I gave up on fighting back. Recently I found myself lacking the energy I used to have. I used to be full, driven, but I have found myself distant lately.

“Look, are you sure you’re okay, Y/N? You have not had your head in the game recently.” He stood and held a hand out to me. Cassian only wanted to check on me, it was nice really. I just wasn’t used to it. I had been the one the members of this court had always leaned their heads on. There just seemed to be no room for the others to do the same for me. So, I never asked them to. I wasn’t going to start now.

“I’m fine Cass, just tired.” I retorted.

“Aren’t we all sweet cheeks.” He said as he patted my back.

---

Now

Fire is crackling somewhere near me, but I can’t feel its warmth. I feel myself chained up. My arms were far above my head, hanging me from a support post. My feet had been stripped of their shoes, and now chains wrapped around my ankles. My body hurt, breathing hurt, and my head hurt. I was sure that this hellhole was only going to make it worse.

“Ah, there she is. Glad to see you actual awoke, we were starting to get worried.” Spoke the same general who broke my ribs.

I kept my mouth shut, only glaring at the direction of the voice. My vision was still blurry, and where I hope there was only one of him, I saw three.

The entrance flap of the tent open and closed to reveal another male. This one, I recognized. The King of Hybern himself.

“If it isn’t Y/N of the Night Court. I have to say, my men did a fine job bringing you in here for me. Wouldn’t you say so?” His voice was gruff. “Now that you’re here, we some questions we need answered, and I suggest you do answer them, dear. I’m sure you don’t want to find out what will happen if you don’t cooperate.”

I lazily lifted my head toward the King and sneered. “Try me.” I bit back, my voice laced with venom.

“Oh, I was afraid you’d say something of those sorts.” The king waved in another male, he was in head to toe in black. Something similar to what I’d see our very own Shadowsinger wear. Only this male was no where near the build of Az, but damn, did he look pissed.

The male pulled out a small dagger that was sheathed on their waist and made his way closer to me. I couldn’t help but let a little laugh escape my lips, “Size does matter you know,” I quipped. I know this man was here to interrogate me, but I could not let these people know how truly vulnerable I felt.

“Oh? I beg to differ.” The male stated as he plunged the dagger into the flesh of my calf.

---

Before 

Rhys wanted to have a family dinner tonight. It would be the first one in quite a long time. With everything going on, who was to blame anyone? I couldn’t say I was looking forward to it though. I used to love the time I could spend with my family, but now, it wasn’t the same. Not when my family was no longer the same. 

Rhys had Feyre, who don’t get me wrong, I love, and I love to see Rhys have the mate he has always deserved. But, with the additions of the Acheron sisters came with something strained. Cass hasn’t said anything, but I see the way he looks at Nesta. Nesta, who wants absolutely nothing to do with him, or any of us for that matter. Mor and Amren hadn’t been around as of late. Both were too busy preparing for this inevitable war. Mor with being an emissary and Amren with working out some logistics of the Cauldron. 

And Az. Azriel was no longer seeking me out. No longer spending time in the training ring or the library with me. Instead, he was with Elain. 

And then, there was me. Before this family all I was, was alone. Finding this family had saved me in more aspects than one, but I can feel it shifting under my feet, about to give way and take me with the edge of it. 

This though, is something I would never speak about. There is enough going on as it is. No one needs to be burdened about me, my unreciprocated feelings for the Shadowsinger, or my silly feelings of insecurity. I’m a friend to the court, a warrior, sometimes an advisor, but, I am nothing compared to the rest of them. I simply do not hold enough importance, and that is something I must live with. Something I am terrified they will realize as well. 

I was the last to make it to the table. Cauldron, even Elain is here. And next to Elain was Az. Hazel eyed, messy haired, Az. We caught each other’s eyes. I couldn’t help but let a smile creep up onto my face in greeting, and he smiled back.

I took my seat next to Cass and Amren and looked at the table around me. Even though war was around the corner, it felt good to gather as if nothing was wrong. Conservation started buzzing, everyone started eating, and I drifted off to a place that wouldn’t hurt me.

—- 

Now

Sweat is dripping off me in beads. My body is littered with cuts and bruises. But, I didn’t say a word. Not a single word about the size of our armies, not a word about what Rhys and the others had planned, not a word about our allies. Not a word. And I was paying for it.

Gods. They had left me here, giving me a break from the beatings and the torture. Whatever the used must have been laced with faebane because I have never felt this weak. This out of control of myself. I wasn’t healing, and I was still losing blood. At this rate, it wasn’t looking good. I was still hanging from my arms, I’m sure at this point I had a shoulder out of it’s socket. A rustling began again at the entrance of the tent.

“Back for more?” I croaked. My throat was completely dry from the screaming. But, when I got my eyes open enough to see what the cause of the noise was, my heart stopped dead in it’s tracks.

Elain.

---

Before

I retreated from dinner early. As pitiful as it sounds, I couldn’t be around it. I couldn’t stand to see Azriel with her any longer. Not when I knew he was the one who was slowly healing her and ruining me.

Knocking at my bedroom door pulled me from my thoughts and I was looking into a book, not really reading it. “Come in,” I shouted.

The site of Azriel caught me off guard. Once upon a time, it was normal for him to seek me out from my room. Now, it simply wasn’t. I couldn’t help but tense.

“Oh! Az!” I put my book down and stood. “How are you doing?” I smiled up at him.

“You would know if you hadn’t left dinner so early.” He looked down at me, frowning and crossing his arms. It was rare that Az was upset with me.

“Look, I’m sorry, I’m tired after training today.” I gave him a sad smile, not wanting him to push the issue further. “But please, tell me what I missed.”

This somehow made his shadows start to swirl around him and he huffed. “I was telling everyone how much progress Elain had made. She’s having actual conversations now.” He smiled at it, proud.

I tried not to show any hurt on my face. I have no right for this to hurt me. He was helping someone, and I had to be pitiful enough that I was jealous.

“That’s amazing Az, you’ve helped her a lot.” I let another smile grace my face. Before I knew what I was saying it was falling out of my lips, “But, you do realize that she is mated, right?”

Azriel’s demeanor shifted. His shadows became agitated, “Elain is a friend. She is going through a lot, and she needs support.” He sighed, “Plus, I think that cauldron could be wrong.” That sentence alone was enough to rip whatever was left in me to shreds. Why couldn’t he see me?

I had to take a deep breath to keep the silver lining in my eyes in place. “Az, when in your life have you ever seen the cauldron be wrong? Why would it start being wrong now?”

“Look, maybe you’ll understand one day, but it’s wrong about her and Lucien.” He crossed his arms now.

“It sounds like you want to it be wrong. Whether it is, or not.”

Azriel was growing frustrated. His eyebrow ticked and he huffed, “Can you blame me for wanting something more?”

“She is mated Azriel. Off limits.” I tried to stress him. “I don’t want to see you hurt if it doesn’t turn out the way you want.” I sighed. “I wouldn’t want my mate ripped away from me, I’m sure Lucien doesn’t either.” He doesn’t even realize that I’m talking about him. Not a single clue.

“Ripped away? Look Y/N, just because you’re alone, does not mean I have to be. Why are you making this about you?” He nearly snarled at me. Snarled. “I have finally found another purpose other than this war. I have found something, someone, to spend my time with and enjoy.”

His words hit me like an arrow to the chest. Alone. Maybe they all did see me, and they just didn’t care. Why couldn’t I be enough for him? Why hadn’t in all the time and cherished memories we have together be enough. We had held each other in hardship. We had trained together. We had grown together. We had spent countless Starfalls together. We had shared so many laughs and touches. Why wasn’t what we had enough for him?

The weight of Azriel’s words hung in the air, heavy silence settling between us. My heart ached with the sting of his remark, and I fought to keep any of my remaining composure.

I deflated, “Az,” I tried to sigh as he cut me off again.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so insecure, you’d see that I’m just trying to help someone who’s been through a lot. You’re jealous and it’s clouding your judgment.” He stared at me, and I had to look away. I didn’t realize it but I began to shake. I couldn’t tell if it was from rage, or from the way my heart cracked as he spoke.

“I think you should go Az.” My voice began to break, and I could tell that my walls were going to come down. Not once had I ever asked him to leave.

His own eyes softened, and he reached for me, “Wait.”

He tried to continue but I cut him off, “Leave, Azriel.” I turned to face away from him. I gathered my arms together. I couldn’t let him see the tears that were rolling down my face, I wouldn’t.

He pulled his arm back to himself and hesitated, seeing the pain he was causing me. Without another word, he turned and left, the door closing behind with a heavy finality.

---

Now

Elain. What the fuck was she doing here?

Seeing her tore me from my stupor. She acted as if she was in a trance, half there. I was really panicking now. I could take this torture and pain, Elain, I don’t think she would last. I could hardly pull at my restraints at this point.

“Elain! Elain!” I screamed at her, trying to get her attention. One of the males that was hauling her in, left her side and strolled to mine. Next thing I knew I was tasting my own blood in my mouth as his fist met with my face. As the blood welled up in my mouth, I felt rage hit me. I spat at him. His face now coated with the bloody saliva that he caused me.

He wiped his hand over his face, ridding it of its bloody covering. I snarled at him as he drew a blade. Good. This way the focus would stay on me and not Elain. He brought the blade to my face, slicing a thin mark down my cheek. “If you wanted more, you could’ve just asked.” He trailed the blade down my neck, and now to my collar bone, all the while slicing lightly as he went. He brought his lips to my ear and his hand grabbed my face, “I have so much more than just blades and fists in store for you, girl.”

It was almost too hard to stomach. I didn’t want to know what he was alluding to. Elain, do this for Elain. I told myself. I kept silent and he pushed me away, returning to the other male who was already putting Elain into restraints.

Why is she here? Why is she not fighting back?

As they finished with her restraints, Hybern himself walked back into the tent.

“Cauldron be damned, if it’s not also Feyre’s cauldron made sister.” Hybern chuffed, “We are truly going to have such a fun time together.” He chuckled as he looked between Elain and I.

He nodded at his men and they both reach for their knives. One for me. One for Elain.

“Wait!” I blurted as I saw the man move toward Elaine, “Please, leave her unharmed.”

“Hmm,” hummed Hybern, “Now, tell me pretty thing, why would I do that?”

“She’s a Seer. Please, you must leave her unharmed or she will be no use to anyone. She will not come out of any trance if she is harmed.” I didn’t know if what I was blabbing was true. I only knew that I needed to protect Elain, for she could not protect herself.

Hybern nodded again at the male who was at Elain’s side. The male sheathed his blade and I let out a silent sigh.

“You on the other hand,” Hybern turned his attention back on me, “I have some questions about pretty Elain.” A wicked smile reached the lips of the male in front of me, as he lifted his blade threatening. “You, dear Y/N, best answer them.”

The male reached for my shirt and tore it in half. Now leaving my chest and abdomen exposed to the air, only a warrior’s wrap covering my breasts. I gasped at the bite of the air reaching my skin. My abdomen was littered with black and blue bruising from the beatings. The faebane in my system slowing any kind of healing.

I turned my face to a stone grimace. I could do this. I told myself. If nobody comes for you, then surely someone will come for Elain.

That truth hurt almost as much as the torture that I was being put through.

---

Before

It had been about a week since I’d seen Azriel. The bond that used to hum in my chest felt vacant. Rhysand had sent me and Cassian to one of the Illyrian war bands that were positioned in case of an attack.

It was a single flaming arrow that was sent into a tent that set everything into utter chaos. Cassian was in the middle of a meeting with some of the other commanders, and I was in the training ring.

Hybern’s forces hit us as if we were nothing but an anthill in their way.

I don’t know where Cassian was as I fought and fought, until I was brought down.

---

Now

I was hardly holding on. I had no energy to cry out anymore. No energy to even lift my own head up. My abdomen and back was near ribbons after that male drove his blade into me again and again.

Elain had seemed to snap in and out of it. When she was somewhat coherent, she would only cry. I felt bad for her, but I had done what I could do protect her. There wasn’t a single scratch on her.

At thinking of Elain my mind drifted to Azriel. I wonder if he’s looking for me, if not, her.

The inner circle had to know that something was wrong at this point. I only hope that Cassian was also okay after we were ambushed. I’m sure if he wasn’t, he’d be right next to me also receiving the beatings I was.

Blood dripped down my back, creating a small pool under me. I truly didn’t know how much longer I would last. I had never felt weaker in my life.

I should’ve told him that night. Anguish was suffocating me. I found myself retracing everything I did as of late. The way I stole myself away from my family because I was being nothing but pitiful. The way they started to treat me differently. The way one no one would come to me anymore, and I would not go to them. No wonder they have left you here. You are nothing to them. My mind bit at me.

What truly bothered me was the downfall of mine as Azriel’s friendship. He was the one person I could always truly count on. If I had fallen in training, if I had drank too much, if some stupid male had broke my heart, it was always Azriel that had caught me, and me him. It’s why I fell in love with him long before the bond snapped its place into my heart. And now I was going to die without him ever knowing. I was simply going to fade away as my blood pooled underneath me.

It's better this way. I told myself. Elain is unharmed, and I will fade before anyone knows of this bond. The war will be won and Az will be able to move on with someone he finds joy in.

I couldn’t help but let tears run down my face. I wanted to scream, to find some way out, but with the faebane running through me, I was simply too weak.

---

I woke to the sound of rustling at the entrance of the tent. The rustling led to Elain, and I could hear her restraints being messed with. I nearly couldn’t pry my eyes open at the sound. Maybe they would finally take me from my misery. I silently hoped. That’s when I heard a quiet gasp. I looked up to see.. Feyre? And behind her, the one messing with Elain’s chains, Azriel.

My heart lurched to a stop. They had come to help, we were going to get out.

“Azriel..” Feyre quietly said as he brought Elain into his arms.

“What.” He nearly hissed at her. That’s when he looked up and truly saw me.

“Az.. Feyre..” I choked on my words. Help was here. I was going to get out of here. To make it. Finally something positive bloomed in my chest in place of where that hole had found itself.

Azriel set Elain back down and rushed to my side. He put a hand to my cheek, “Y/N, we couldn’t find you anywhere. Cass, he said you were missing after the battle.” His touch sent shivers down my beaten spine.

My restraints still bore heavily into my wrists where I was strung up. Then, there was rustling and yelling coming from outside of the tent.

“Help me down, please.” My voice was raw and pleading.

The yelling was getting closer and closer.

“Az, we have to leave, now.” Feyre said, trying to scoop Elain into her arms.

Azriel’s hand left my cheek, and panic flared into his eyes as he took in my state.

Hybern’s soldiers were coming, realizing something was wrong. Azriel looked between Elain and I, backing up from where I was strung up. He was backing away from me. Why was he backing away from me?

My own panic started to settle deep inside of me, long squashing any hope that had found it’s place.

“Azriel… please,” I coughed quietly. Dread was setting deeply inside of me. They didn’t plan on saving two. They came here for Elain, not me.

A sob found it’s way onto my lips as he picked Elain from Feyre’s arms. Feyre herself looking torn, her eyes expressing so much anguish.

“We will come back Y/N. I promise.” Azriel’s words were yet another punch to the gut.

I couldn’t help but let the sobs I had been holding onto for so long bubble out of me.

“Please don’t leave me here.” I cried, no longer caring for the quietness. They both stiffened at the sound of my voice. “Please,” I was gasping for air as this point, “If you’re not going to take me, then at least put me down.”

Their eyes widened at my statement, but I couldn’t hold for much longer. I needed this pain to end. This suffering to be over with.

“We will be back. I will come straight back.” Azriel hushly stated. His eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes were boring into me. They were trying to convince me he was telling the truth, but I knew better. I knew that they were only getting into the camp once successfully.

They chose Elain. They were going to leave me behind.

“Just kill me, please kill me…” I sobbed, “Please if you are going to leave me behind, then just kill me.”

Feyre was crying now, and Azriel. I knew, that even though he was choosing Elain, Elain to save, and Elain to love, he still wouldn’t harm me.

“I’m so sorry Y/N.” Feyre bubbled out of her crying lips as she quickly left the tent under her cloak.

Azriel and I made eye contact again through my sobbing, through the tears that were leaving my eyes in force. “I will be right back. I will come back for you.” And then, he was gone. With Elain in his arms.

I broke, truly broke. No weapon could hurt me as much as the sight of who I loved most, my mate, leaving me here, strung up and bleeding out.

[multi-fandom-imagine]

Hi! First let me just say I love all of your writing, it’s so amazing and you capture the characters perfectly! I was wondering if I could rq a little headcanon/story/whatever about pre portal (and pre Bill) Ford and Reader who are exploring the mysteries of Gravity falls together. They come back after a rough encounter with a monster, cue patching up each others wounds that leads into love confession and first kiss! 🤭 Totally up to you whether to end it there or go further. Thank you!

A/n: 👏👏Ford is such a cutie and this would have been a whole lot better if tumblr didn't delete half of it.

It wasn't supposed to get this out of hand, some town's folk mentioned of seeing something in the woods. Curious you and Ford decided to look for said creature. You never in your life would have thought was a bunch of gnomes trying to find someone to marry, though it became worse when the leader picked you to be his bride.

Something that Ford wasn't to keen about, then one messy battle later you and the man limped back towards his little house.

Wincing, Ford gritted his teeth as you applied alcohol to his cheek to clean the cuts as he held one hand holding his side. "I am sorry for dragging you in on this...I should have realized it was a bunch of nomes harassing people."

Biting back a snort, you shook your head as you gave him a teasing grin. "It's fine Ford...I mean at least someone find's me desirable."

Parting his lips, Ford grasped your hand as he gave it a squeeze. A hiss escaping his lips, his extra finger giving you some comfort in this situation. "Don't say that!"

He did his best to not sutter out a protest, cheeks now a deep red. "Y-You're wonderful, smart." He paused giving you a shy smile. "And I like you." His voice weak as his free hand fixed his glasses.

Eye's going wide after Ford's confession, your body relaxed as you gave his hand a squeeze resting your head against his. You felt warmth creep up your neck as you tried to ignore your heart pounding in your chest. "I...I like you too Ford."

"You do?! I."

You never got the chance to answer Ford as his lips pressed against yours. It was far from perfect, nothing like in the book's you read about but you still enjoyed it because it was with Ford.

It was with the one you cared most about.

Breaking the kiss, Ford took a deep breath in as he rested his head against your own. "I would like to do more...once I recover because I think one of those Gnomes broke my ribs." He hissed in pain as you helped him stand.

Letting out a soft laugh, you placed a kiss to his sleep as you helped him to the couch. "I would like that, get some rest okay." Leaning in you placed a kiss to his then another one against his lips. "And thank you for saving me Ford."

"Anything for you."

[bluecollarmcandtf]

Help me! I'm hypnotized...

The loser roommate I got stuck with did something to my brain. I didn't think it was possible, but that pathetic fag somehow put me in a trance. I don't remember how: with a pendant or spiral; but it doesn't matter! What matters is that at any second he can say a trigger word, and I end up like this: smiling and flexing like a fucking idiot 'till he releases me.

Sure, I look like I'm alright, but I've been stuck in this pose for two hours. My biceps ache and my shoulders are on fire. Add to that a leg cramp that I cant walk off and you'll realize how awful this torture is.

I'd just been trying to finish an essay (his essay to be exact.) I might be on the football team, but this lazy geek is forcing me to do his homework for him! And even though he ordered me to do that, against my will, he calls me up and says my fucking trigger word! It's fucking ridiculous! I used to go out and party with my teammates on nights like this, but now I'm stuck being this dweeb's mannequin-on-command.

I just know he's going to boss me around when he finally gets here. He'll probably make me cook him dinner again. I'd spit in it if I could -hell, I'd probably poison it if I could- but I know I'll be stuck in my own body again. I hate it when he tells me to smile and serve him like a waiter. God, its humiliating...

He makes me workout during my free time, which I have a lot of now that I can't speak to any of my old buddies. I gotta say that my body's never looked better. I guess their is one upside to being under his control: whenever he tells me to train harder, I have to do it.

The gym is the one area of my life where I can at least pretend that I'm not someone's trained monkey. Still, the fact that I can't even shower without his permission is a pretty harsh reminder. Whenever I get back from a workout, my legs march straight to the table where I sit, flex, and smile while I wait for him to tell me what to do. It doesn't matter how tired or hot I am. Sometimes, he doesn't even let me shower. He just tells me to mop the sweat up with my shirt and then put it back on.

I think the nerd has a thing for sweaty jocks or something. The thought of this creep making me do all this to get his little dick hard pisses me off more than anything...

I applied for a job today. It wasn't because I wanted to. My roommate decided that he wants more spending money, so he turned to me and said that I was going to earn it for him. So it wasn't enough for me to be his personal chef, maid, and eye candy! I have to be his fucking ATM now too?!

The tie wasn't my idea either. He told me to go buy some fancy clothes to make sure I impressed my "future employer." He's such a dweeb, and now he's making me dress like a loser too.

Obviously I nailed the interview. It wasn't hard when he programmed me to say things like "I've always wanted to deliver pizzas," or "I want to be the best employee you've ever had!" He made me sound like such a kiss-ass for a stupid minimum-wage job. Even the guy interviewing me thought I was being a bit excessive! I got hired on the spot, and I'm already scheduled every night this week, because my roommate specifically made me ask for as many hours as possible.

Now that I'm done with probably the most humiliating thing I've ever done, I'm stuck flexing with a tie on 'till that asshole gets home...

I got my first paycheck after a long couple of weeks doing his classwork during the day and delivering pizzas at night. My roommate texted and told me to wait by the front door with my paycheck. Apparently, he's going out tonight with some of his loser friends and wants the cash now. I can't believe I'm about to hand it over to him.

"Hey, handsome," he calls, shutting his car door.

"I'm glad your home, sir. How was your day?"

I do not give a shit about his day! He ordered me to say that whenever he gets back. He's also programmed me to get up and hug him like I'm a fucking queer in love!

"Better now," he purrs, squeezing my butt cheek while we hug, "You should come with me and my friends tonight."

The last thing I want to do is be around him and his pansy-assed friends. "Yes, sir," I smile.

"We're going to a gay bar, and I think you would be an excellent wingman."

My stomach drops at the sound of a gay bar. I don't want to be anywhere near that place, and I really don't want the guy with total control over me parading me around that place like I'm his fucking slut! Where is this going? He wouldn't make me do anything gay, right? The terrifying truth is he could. He could order me to act like a stripper there, or...or worse. Fuck! I don't think there's anything he couldn't make me do. He could order me on my knees right now, and I'd do it with this stupid smile still plastered across my face. He could make me blow his tiny cock, and I'd be helpless to do anything other than enthusiastically suck! I don't want to go to that gay bar. I have to escape.

"Yes, sir," I hear my voice gleefully ring out.

[inthestarsme]

Solar return Observations pt. 2

‼️Don't repost my Observations without consent and mentioning my page‼️

Hello girliieees how are you? I thought i'd give you a new post, as i am very much procrastinating. Honestly, i dont really have much to say soo... lets just get started!

Befor i start: these are just some random things i observe from people with these placements. They might fit you but they dont have to. I wsnt to emphasize this as i tend to also talk about darker stuff, and i dont want people to get scared. Everything i'm writing could totally not apply to you, so please take everything woth a grain of salt!

Now lets go!

Venus conjunct 10th house: For some reason, people in general perceive you to be more attractive and desireable. If you also have some good placements in your sr 5th or 7th house or the ruler of your sr 7th house is taurus or libra, you might even attract more love interests than usual.

Uranus in the 7th house: I know i've talked about my Uranus conjunct Jupiter in the 7th house in relation to sudden, unexpected things happening in your love life, which it definately means, but it can also make your love life more unconventional, in whatever way this applies to your life. For me, it was finding out i'm bi and dating the same gender for the first time in my life. Of course it isn't weird or anything like that, but me finding this out was completely unexpected, because i was always someone who was very keen on saying "i'm straight, but i'm a big ally", so completely going the opposite way was unconventional for me, although it felt exactly the same as dating the opposite gender. In the end it didn't work out, but i found out something major about myself, and am still figuring shit out (i'm honestly not 100 percent sure abouz my sexuality, but its a step in the right direction letting this part of myself free).

12th house stellium: No matter why or how (you can see this through other placements in your chart), but definately a year where you might struggle with your mental health (please get yourself professional help if needed), BUT at the same time it could be a year, where you might go on a transcontinental trip, as the 12th house also relates to international travel.

Saturn in the 6th house: For some reason, your everyday work and routine might feel very harsh and restricting and you might really struggle because of it. Please, even though sometimes its just life, always try to still respect your mental health and dont drive yourself into a burnout. But generally, when you're going through this, taking into account your mental health can be a good way to balance this out.

Pluto in the 3rd house: I can only talk about my own experience, but this solar return year i've had this placement and i've definately had my struggle with friends and have already lost an entire friend group. But as Pluto also relates to tramsformation through heavier experiences, i am really hoping i lost these friends to make space for new and better friends and for myself to be a better friend through learning from those experiences. I've also been sensing that the people i am surrounded with might not necessarily be the kind of people i would want as my friends, not because they are bad people but because characterwise we are very different. So maybe it could also just change the way you see your friendships.

North node in the 6th house: If you have this in your sr, a very important thing for you this year is to get into physical fitness, whatever this means to you, and generally taking more care of your body/physical health. So if you havent started yet, i would recommend trying it! Or just more generally, getring healthier routines.

Mercury conjunct Mars in the 10th house: You might be known for speaking more harshly to others this year.

Neptune in Pisces: I know i've talked about this placement before because i dont like this placement, and i need to emphasize this. No matter where you have it, it can mean you experience some kind of hurt due to some these factors

- some kind of illusion making you to not be able to see the reality

- you or other people having mental health stuggles

- you could go into a mental health spiral because of what you experience, where you might not be able to see everything as it is

- you might even be the one putting illusions on others

In the best case it can mean having a very spiritual experience. But i truly advice you, if you are struggeling mentally in some way, please get yourself professional help. Its hard but you can get through it!

Okay soo, i think this is it for now. Thank you so much for reading and see you next time. Lots of love and byeee <3

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’ve been struggling lately with the feeling that my job is pointless. Intellectually I know it is not—nursing is one of those professions where you get to be real smug about knowing the value of your work. But it’s still felt very pointless. Like I’ll start a shift thinking, “what am I even doing here,” and end it thinking, “what have I actually even done.” It’s been a ROUGH couple months.

But I had a really good shift last time I worked, which was good for the soul and also a very useful data point. I got to do pain management advocacy and symptom management, met a bunch of cool patients, did education for new nurses, and had several long heart to hearts, which the kind of midnight heart to hearts that I think are the most important part of night shift, all of that while being well staffed with very pleasant and appreciative patients and coworkers, and I was still like. Pretty depressed. I had a sense of satisfaction and moments of joy and meaning, but it turns out that one good shift did not cure the depression that has been latched on to me for the last few months like some kind of fucked up mental health leech. As I realized I was still depressed and that it was still interfering with my life even when everything was going well, the sense of peace washed over me was the best I’d felt in a while. Because I was like, okay! None of my usual stuff as worked! I have no excuse not to try something new to get my brain out of the shit ditch it’s slipped into.

So I’m applying for short-term disability. I’m worried I won’t get it, and I’m not sure what the next step is if I get rejected, but I feel so much better having decided to pursue it. It’s so much fuckin paperwork for sure, to a degree that’s overwhelming except that that the form could be a checkbox that says, “you want money?” and I’d be like “THIS IS TOO MUCH.” I’m totally not writing this post instead of finishing an email to my manager. I’m definitely not writing this post to avoid dealing with coordinating all my various care providers. I’m certainly not at every moment worried that I’m secretly faking all this so I can get three to nine weeks of a cool summer vacation.

I was thinking about how I almost flunked nursing school in my final semester because I turned in assignments late for a class with a “no late homework” policy. The professor said that this was reflective of real life, where if you miss deadlines you’re just fucked. I ended up appealing my grade and passing, because frankly it was a weak reason for making me repeat a final semester when there was no issues with my actual work or knowledge. During my appeal, I was like “I also think this policy is ableist. Harsh penalties for late work hurt students with health problems, especially chronic health problems when you aren’t asking for one week off due to the flu but instead for a general and never ending flexibility. I’m not trying to make an excuse but explain why this policy is a bad one. Disabled healthcare workers are an asset to healthcare.” I’m trying to remember my own argument as I pursue help. My depression and ADHD and eating disorder do help me be a better nurse, not because like depression gives you superpowers, but because I manage my chronic illnesses every day, in ways that range from hardly noticeable to life or death. Being kind to patients means being kind to myself, and vice versa.

I’m rambling. I really do not want to do this paperwork or send these emails. And I’m not sure if I deserve the leave I’m trying to take. But I miss being love with my job. I miss enjoying it. I wouldn’t judge someone else for going on medical leave, and my job doesn’t want me to burn out or quit. It almost feels like I have to be skeptical of applying for leave because no one else is. Everyone I’ve spoken to has been very supportive, including my manager. And considering how many unpaid days off I’ve had to take lately, disability leave would be an improvement over some of my recent paychecks. All in all, short-term disability makes sense and seems like a reasonable response to circumstances. But FUCK. I wish it required like 90 percent less documentation.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

What if all the yeerks suddenly died? AU

Part 3.5; Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 are here. All you need to know from earlier parts is that all the yeerks disappeared at once after the events of #19, and that the Animorphs and ex-controllers have been trying to resume a normal life ever since.

• Hedrick Chapman wanted to be an ecologist when he grew up.  Or a veterinarian.  Barring that, he’d have settled for being rich.  At no point did he ever want to be a vice principal of a criminally underfunded public high school.  That had been a yeerk decision, not his.  Certainly not his.  And yet, here he is.

• Then again, Chapman reflects as he watches Andy Mitchell vomit into the potted plant on his desk, this job has recently involved far more working with wild animals than he initially anticipated.

“It was horrible,” Andy sobs.  “Her f-face, it… it split open.  I could see bones under the—”  He cuts off, retching more.

Probably in shock, Chapman thinks.  A perfectly understandable reaction to having seen someone morph for the first time.  “What did she turn into?”

“What?”  Andy lifts his head.  Milk-pale, except for those red-rimmed eyes.  Definitely in shock.  “What do you mean?”

“Rachel.”  Chapman didn’t get a name, but that description could only apply to so many students.  “What did she morph?”

“I don’t know,” Andy wails.  “Her face got all baggy and horrible, like the skin was coming off, and it…”  He makes a pulling motion, away from his own mouth.

“So she turned into an elephant.”  Chapman notes that down.  “Then what?”

“You don’t understand,” Andy says.  “She… she… her body was melting!”

Chapman sets down the pen, looking him in the eye.  “I believe you.  You saw her turn into an elephant.  Did she try to attack you, once she was done?”

“I don’t know!  I ran for it.”

“Smart choice.”  Chapman massages his left temple, which is where his Rachel-shaped headache seems to have taken up full-time residence in Iniss 226’s absence. “I figured as much, since we’re not having this conversation in the hospital.”

“It was horrible,” Andy says again.

“And what did you say to Tobias Fangor that precipitated this incident?”

Andy blinks.  His color looks a little better, anyway.  “How did you know that?”

Chapman does not roll his eyes.  Because he’s an adult, and in control of his own body.  “I just so happen to be fluent in English, Mr. Mitchell.  Which is, by enormous coincidence, the language used to write your disciplinary file.  I’m also capable of basic pattern recognition.”

“What are you going to do to her?” Andy asks.  “Rachel.  What happens to her?”

An excellent question.  Bringing a deadly weapon to school results in a ten-day suspension.  But if Chapman applies that statute in this case, then he’d be forced to suspend all five Animorphs for the rest of eternity.  Threatening a classmate can result in expulsion, though it sounds like no actual threats were issued.  There isn’t a rule on the books for showing a classmate something so disturbing his brain tries to turn itself inside-out from sheer horror, although in light of recent developments there really should be.

“Not your concern,” Chapman says.  “Thank you for telling me.  Back to class.”

Andy takes several more minutes to collect himself before he goes.  Chapman uses that time to catch up on paperwork, though he does offer the young man a tissue.  And a breath mint.

• Andy is barely out Chapman’s door when it swings open again and Tom Berenson strides in.  “You have to tell my parents it’s not Jake’s fault,” he announces.

I am not your therapist, Chapman would dearly like to say.  I am not your best friend.  I am not, regardless of Iniss 226’s relationship with Temrash 114, your fucking subordinate.  I do not ‘have to’ do anything.

Not being snippy with vulnerable teenagers is probably one of those things they’d cover M.Ed. programs, if Chapman had ever actually been to school for this job.  “Why don’t you take a deep breath and explain from the beginning.”  There.  That sounds like something a vice principal would say.

“Jake.”  Tom sits down.  “My parents keep forcing him to go to school.  They think he’s, like, being a moody teenager.  Or faking it.”

Chapman may not be a therapist, or even a college graduate, but he does recognize that Jake’s entitled to as many sick days as he feels like taking, for the rest of eternity.  However, “That’s between your parents and your brother.”

“You can’t do anything?” Tom asks.  “You have the ability to give kids permanent excuses for made-up medical conditions— Iniss did it all the time—”

“I am not,” Chapman says severely, “Iniss 226.”

Tom stiffens.  “I just meant…”

“I recognize it is not your fault you have entirely too much information about the administration of this school.”  Chapman tries to soften his tone.  “But if you can do without using the Krav Maga or ability to home-assemble a working handgun that you also didn’t choose to receive, you can do without that.”

“But— Jake.  They don’t get it.”

“I will speak with your parents.  I’ll express these concerns to them,” Chapman says.  “In the meantime, might I suggest you focus on your own grades?  Thanks to Iniss, you’ve missed far too much school already.  If you want to have any hope of graduating on time, you need to catch up.”

“Why?”

He says it so simply.  It’s a question Chapman’s been asked before: Why bother?  Of all the kids who’ve asked him, only Marco Santiago has been more entitled to ask.  Why, indeed, bother with school?  Why care about Civics and Algebra when the world itself has already ended around you? 

A real vice principal would make a speech about learning being its own reward, or the importance of insuring one’s future.  “Because,” Chapman says, “when I speak to Coach Lu about letting you back on the basketball team, he’ll point out that student athletes need a minimum two-point-oh GPA.”

Tom’s whole face lights up.  Suddenly looking years younger.  Looking like a kid, for the first time in months.  “You’d do that for me?”

That M.Ed. program no doubt would have advised against bribes.  “No skin off my butt,” Chapman says.  “Now go do your homework.  And let the adults worry about your brother.”

“Yes sir!”  And he’s off like a shot.  Possibly even, miracle of miracles, off to work on that backlog of English essays.

• The first time Jake called a meeting in Cassie’s barn, even though they don’t really have a reason to meet anymore, it was to discuss what they can do to help the hork-bajir—taxxon alliance.  The second time, it was to make a plan to help Tobias get caught up in school.  The third time, he doesn’t even make an excuse.

Rachel complains about the press hounding them for a statement.  Marco complains about his parents making out on the couch while he’s in the house.  Tobias complains about Ms. Paloma’s workload, and about the hork-bajir constitution negotiations.  Jake complains about his dad’s horrifying questions about how morphing affects puberty.  Ax complains about Alloran’s frequent, extremely snobby, emails.  Cassie complains about her parents constantly asking her to morph their patients to figure out what’s wrong with them.

It’s silly.  It’s fun.  It’s playing at being teenagers with teenage problems.

“This time next week,” Jake announces, at the end.  “And if there are any major developments in the meantime, keep the rest of us posted.”

• “Tobias Fangor’s aunt called again,” Principal Walsh says, when Chapman gets to the office on a Tuesday morning.  “Don’t you think we should at least speak to her, see what she wants?”

“No,” Chapman says.  “I don’t.”

“His uncle.  This…”  She glances at the paperwork.  “Axel Mili-Esgarrouth.  Didn’t show up for last parent-teacher conference.”

Small mercies.  Chapman doesn’t explain Tobias’s living situation.  Doesn’t reveal that he owes the kid’s parents the kind of debt that cannot be repaid in an entire lifetime of favors.  Doesn’t deign to find out if Maggie Walsh knows what an andalite is.

“Tobias Fangor,” he says, “is part of the one-tenth of one percent of students who are, somehow, attending this high school because they want to be here.  If you give him reason to transfer out, I will resign.”

• There are reasons that Chapman stays in this job, despite being stashed here against his will.  Not the pay.  Not the sullen ingratitude from the teens he helps.  Certainly not the parents.  It’s because he’s needed here, now more than ever.

• He stays for the times Loren’s kid comes skittering into his office, wild-eyed and muttering, “Sorry, I just, sorry, I’ll be out of your hair soon, I promise…”  Chapman knows to open the window, when that happens, knows to shove a chair already well-deformed with talon marks out from behind his desk.

•  He stays for the kids who on paper had straight As, perfect attendance, promising gigs at The Sharing — and overnight became failing wrecks with insomnia and dozens of unexplained absences.  He can explain to their teachers, to their parents, in a way that someone who hasn’t been there will never be able to understand.

•  He stays for the way Eva Santiago clasps his hand and says, “You will look out for him.”  Half-supplication, half-command.

•  He even, despite himself, stays for Tom.  Who showed up at school the day after Aegas 1909 died, trying to pretend like nothing had happened.  Who is a truly godawful actor — he took one look at Chapman, went dead-white, and ran for it.  Who was backing away even as Chapman cornered him in the parking lot.  “Wait!” Chapman had said.  “Wait! Iniss is dead too.”  And Tom had burst into tears.

•  No one else would understand them.  No one else would know why nearly every one of the seventy-three ex-hosts in this school has been sent to his office for not paying attention, for sleeping in class, for allegedly being stoned during school hours.  No one else would overlook the absolute illegal mess of Tobias’s paperwork, or give Rachel a fortieth second chance after she has yet another hair-trigger reaction to being bumped in the hall.

•  But there’s one reason above all others that he stays in this job.

“You don’t mind?” Melissa says, every single time he offers her a ride to school.  As if he’s doing her a favor, letting her take up space in the car he’s already driving that way.  As if it’s a chore to get to spend time with his daughter and hear about her day.

“You sure you don’t mind?” he always answers, smiling, and she always runs to get her bag.

It takes so little — a smile, a nod, an offer to feed the damn cat, sometimes even just a glance her way — to get her to light up with gratitude.  It breaks his fucking heart to know the reason why.

He drives her every day.  He helps her with homework every night, and cooks her dinner afterward.  He drops more than he can afford on leg-warmers and Lisa Frank and Limited Too.  He’s every parenting cliché: on a trial separation from Alison, spoiling their kid rotten because of the guilt.

Anyway, time with Melissa is worth a hell of a lot more than mere money.  And it’s almost enough to make up for dealing with parents.  Almost.

•  “But Cassie’s a good kid,” Michelle Logan says.  “She’s always been responsible, and she’s always taken care of herself.  There has to be some kind of mistake.”

Chapman looks at the good kid sitting between her parents.  Thinks of watching her rip a hork-bajir’s throat out, taking an innocent life along with the guilty one.  Trusts that she had no choice in the matter, because if it was him she’d killed instead then he would have understood.

“I recognize that Cassie has had an overall clean record thus far,” Chapman says.  “However, the Rain Forest Café is filing charges against the school for the impersonation and theft of several live animals, and I don’t have other suspects.”

“Cassie would never,” Michelle said.  “She’s a good kid.  She just fell in with the wrong crowd, that’s all.”

“Of that,” Chapman says dryly, “I have no doubt.”

Cassie lifts her head then to look straight at him.  “I’m sorry,” she says, not sounding it.  “I was trying to help the parrots.”

I.  Yes, she’s a good kid.  “It’s admirable,” Chapman tells her, “that you’re covering for your friends.”  Probably also on the list of things a real vice principal wouldn’t say.  “But there is no way that you could have acted alone.”

“Can you prove that?” Cassie asks.

“Can you even prove it was her?” Michelle says.  “What about Marco, or Rachel?  They morph.  Isn’t Tobias a bird quite often?  Who says it wasn’t him?”

Cassie and Chapman make eye contact.  Marco is one incident away from being expelled.  Rachel is about negative eight incidents away, and Chapman can only do so much to protect her.  Tobias isn’t supposed to be at this school at all, which the board will surely notice if he comes to their attention.  Cassie confessed, because Cassie can take the heat.  And Chapman’s letting her take that fall.

“It’s okay,” Cassie tells the adults.  “It’s only a week of detention.”

Because that was the lowest sentence he could propose, while still avoiding a legal proceeding.  She really is a good kid.

•  “Where you going?” Jake asks, not looking up from his Spanish homework, when Tom unlocks the front door at 8:00 PM on a Sunday.

“Sharing meeting,” Tom says casually.  “Wanna come?”

Jake sets down his pen.  He looks at his brother.

Tom stares back, smirking.

“Where are you actually going?” Jake says.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”  And with that, Tom walks out the door.

Despite himself, Jake follows.

 • It’s an under-21 nightclub that Jake vaguely recognizes as being a front for The Sharing, but the crowd spilling onto the lawn around it is truly all ages.  There’s a giggling pair of 10-year-olds standing too close to the beer keg for his comfort, a middle-aged guy handing out glow sticks, and a woman with gray hair and a hand-knit sweater smoking a joint on the curb.

“Tommy-boy!” That’s the guy standing next to the door, an ex-controller Jake thinks is named Bill.  He throws out his arms and, before Jake can react, has grabbed Tom, spun him around, dipped him, and kissed him on the mouth.

“Hands off, asshole,” Tom says, laughing as he pulls loose.  “You are so fucking drunk.”

“Sssshhhhhh,” Bill says, not disconfirming the accusation.  He points to the Employees Only printed on the door.  “Just meat-puppets tonight.  Ditch the tagalong.”

“Oh, come on.”  Tom gestures at Jake.  “The kid was a controller for a hot second last November.”

Bill squints at Jake.  “Wait, really?”

Jake shrugs.  He doesn’t want to talk about it.  “Yeah.”

“Well all right, then.”  Bill ruffles Jake’s hair, Tom slaps Bill on the ass, and they shoulder their way inside.

• The club is jammed full of bodies, most of them sweaty and partway naked.  Jake retreats until his back is against the nearest wall, looking over the mess of dancing humans.  Tom has split off, chest-bumping with some other guy Jake doesn’t know and stealing a drag off his cigarette.  None of them are acting remotely like controllers, which is reassuring, and now he’s wondering if it’d be rude to leave without Tom about 10 seconds after having arrived.

 No one would notice if he turned into a bug, he decides after about an hour of this.  Seriously.  This crowd would not notice, and it’s not like they’d care if they did.  Tom can find his own way home.

A small form sidles up next to him.  “Hi, Jake.”

“Melissa!” he says too loudly, glad to see a familiar face.  “Hi.”

“You want some drink?”  She holds up a clear plastic cup, three-quarters full of liquid.  “There’s plenty more over…”  She points to the punchbowl behind her.

“Drink?” Jake asks.

Melissa shrugs.  “From the empty bottles, it’s mostly beer and tequila, with a little bit of Bloody Mary mix.  Which is probably why it…”  She grimaces down at her cup.  “Looks, smells, and tastes like urine.”

“Um.”  Jake peers at her cup; her assessment isn’t wrong.  “I think I’ll pass, thanks.”

“Cool.  There’s also a guy around here with E, if that’s more your speed.”

“Gee.”  Jake looks back over the crowd, which includes several couples openly pawing at each other, a group of four with hands inside each other’s clothes, and Tom apparently attempting to eat some woman’s tongue before she can eat his.  “There’s ecstasy here?  I never would’ve guessed.”

“People are just glad the war’s over,” Melissa says.  “And your brother’s a really good kisser.”

It’s official: this is worse than the gathering of alien slugs plotting Earth’s destruction that Jake expected to find.  It’s not even a proper orgy, just a whole crapton of giddy ex-hosts hugging each other and then getting too enthusiastic about the hugs.

“Look,” Jake says.  “This has been nice, but I have school tomorrow, so…”

•  Which is when the commotion breaks out near the door.

“Gatecrasher!”  That’s Bill, brandishing a mason jar as he continues to yell.  “We have a gatecrasher!”

Several people crowd around him to get a better look, someone holding up a glow stick to reveal that, sure enough, the jar in his hands contains a single wolf spider.  Among this crowd, animals that act strange or aren’t native to California don’t go without notice.

«I’m innocent!  And even if I’m not you can’t prove anything,» the spider says.  «Maybe I just wandered by accidentally, and this is all a big misunderstanding.»

“This thing’s for full members only,” Tom says, straight-faced.  “There’s a sign on the door, can’t miss it.”

«Maybe I want to join the Sharing?» the spider suggests.

This gets him several unamused looks.  “Toss him out,” Li says.  “And let’s get back to the keg stands.”

“Nah, let him stay!”  That’s Koko, piping up from the back.  “God knows every person in this bar owes the Animorphs a drink.”

Looking between them, Bill turns back to the jar.  Finally he lifts it up to eye level, starting at the spider’s middle two eyes.  “Repeat after me,” Bill intones.

«Uh-huh.»

“What your mom doesn’t know…”

«What my mom doesn’t know…»

“Will not hurt her.”

«Dude, I wouldn’t narc on you!  What do you take me for?»

“A chip off the old block,” Tom mutters.

“Repeat it,” Bill says severely.

«What my mom doesn’t know, won’t hurt her.»

“Great!”  Bill unscrews the lid of the jar, dumping it out on the ground.  “Welcome to the Sharing.”

“If it makes you feel better,” Melissa says to a slowly-demorphing Marco, “I got the same speech.”

“It really does.”  He presses a hand over his heart.  “Now, someone mentioned buying me a drink?”

•  A small nightclub on the outskirts of the city burns to the ground, shortly after having every piece of its furniture and glassware smashed in a pile in the middle of the floor.  The local police force, over 30% of whom were controllers three months ago, elects to ignore this development.

•  Chapman loathes paperwork to the absolute depths of his soul.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worse than filing paperwork to get permission to file paperwork, and yet here he is.  The state of California cannot possibly need this many copies of Ashley Shawn’s transcript.  This has to be a torment invented by an evil god to punish him for everything he did aboard the Jahar.  There is no other explanation.

So when Ms. Hanna comes skidding into his office and announces “Science wing! There’s a brawl!” his first thought is, oh thank god.

His second thought is to wonder why she came to get him, skipping the security officer and Principal Walsh, but they’re already running by the time that occurs to him.

When they get there the press of screaming-chanting bodies fills the hall from end to end, but kids still find room to crowd out of the way when they see Chapman coming.  The circle of spectators breaks long enough to reveal the melee at the center, and—

Oh hell.  Chapman can tell exactly why Ms. Hanna got him first.

Fiona Aherne has one hand fisted in the collar of Tom Berenson’s shirt, and is punching him repeatedly in the face.  Joe Lassen catches her around the middle and rips her off Tom, tossing her to the floor, only to be caught in a side-tackle by Li Saren.  Beyond them, Hailey Ng and Bill Renaldi are hanging onto Asher Reed, until Asher suddenly rolls forward and body-slams Bill to the floor.

Chapman winces — so much for not using that Krav Maga. He's knocked aside as Jake shoves past him and dives in to the fray.

Principal Walsh is across the battlefield, staring in bafflement.  Shouting ineffectually for everyone to stop.  She doesn’t know, of course, what Tom and Joe and Asher all have in common.  What Bill and Li and Fiona and Hailey do.

Li has Tom by the throat from behind, which is why Jake throws himself onto Li with the gracelessness typical of a high-schooler.  Li head-butts Jake, only to have Jake, snarling, bite him in the face.

“Stop!” Chapman bellows.  “ALL OF YOU!  STOP!”

Jake drops off Li.  Hailey drops Asher.  Slowly the others lower their fists, glaring.

Good to know everyone’s fear of Iniss 226 is still good for something.

“Everyone in the Biology classroom,” Chapman barks, pointing at the door.  “Bill’s lot near the windows, Tom and the others by the door.  Move it!”

Principal Walsh stares at Chapman in confusion, which deepens when everyone obeys him without question.  He beckons first to Ms. Hanna, then to Mr. Tidwell, pointing them into the room as well.  They also take their places without question, Mr. Tidwell supervising the voluntary half of the room as Ms. Hanna covers the involuntaries.

Pausing in the doorway, Chapman turns at last to face Maggie Walsh.  His boss.  Who has the ability to fire him, if she misunderstands the situation.  “It’s about yeerks,” he settles for telling her.

Her look of bafflement doesn’t fade.  “How?”

Chapman opens his mouth. Hunts for words.

“Jake had nothing to do with this.”

Chapman doesn’t have to turn his head to know who spoke from the involuntary side of the room.  What a surprise, a Berenson kid running his mouth.

“Thank you for your input, Thomas.”  He spins around.  “That isn’t your call.”

Tom crosses his arms.  Between the fingernail marks down his cheek and the broken knuckles of his right hand, he looks the very picture of delinquency.

“He’s right,” Joe says, from the voluntary side of the room.  “It’s nothing to do with Jake.”  In Chapman’s peripheral vision, Maggie Walsh blinks several times.  He’ll explain later.  Or try to.

“Fine,” Chapman says.  “Jake, get back to class.”

Jake lifts his chin, blood striping the lower half of his face.  “I chose to get involved,” he says.  “I’ll take my punishment.”

“Oh yeah?” Tom says.  “Then what was the fight about?”

Jake looks from one side of the room to the other.  Both sides have ninth graders, twelfth graders, jocks and nerds, white and Black and brown kids.  Jake’s probably smart enough to identify several ex-controllers, and to guess at the rest, but unable to tell how or why they sorted themselves like they did.  Nonetheless, after a second he opens his mouth.

“That’s what I thought,” Chapman cuts him off.  “Anyway, if I suspend you then Marco and Rachel will have burned down the school within a week.  Fix your nose, then back to class.”

Knowing when he’s beat, Jake leaves.  Chapman makes a note he’ll also have to explain to Maggie how morphing works, and that he didn’t just order a 14-year-old to hand-set a broken nose.

“The involuntaries started it,” Bill announces, the moment Jake is gone.

“Yeah,” Tom snaps, “and the voluntaries are the ones who—”

“Who were lied to, instead of being coerced?” Mr. Tidwell suggests.

Tom shuts his mouth.

“Asher called me a traitor.”  Li points a finger across the room.

“Six months ago Li told me,” Asher says quietly, “that I should really join the Sharing.”

“And so,” Chapman drawls, “you had no choice but to punch each other in the face.  Is that correct?”

Tom mutters something under his breath that Chapman chooses not to catch.  He can’t threaten them, not this crowd.  Most of them have survived worse hells than the Geneva Convention ever dreamed of.  Detention means nothing.

Fine.  Persuasion it’ll have to be.  Fuck his life.  Chapman raises his voice to address the involuntaries.  “They—” He points to the voluntary side of the room.  “Are not the enemy.  The yeerks are the enemy, and the yeerks are dead.  Don’t start doing their work for them, you hear me?”

There’s a long silence.  Asher scuffs the toe of his shoe on the floor.

“Yeah,” Tom says at last.  “We hear you.”

“Everyone get checked at the nurse’s office,” Chapman tells the room at large.  “You’re all suspended for the rest of the week.”

Maggie Walsh takes a seat next to Chapman, even as the kids all file out.  Yeah.  He owes her an explanation.  Taking a deep breath, he tries to sum up what just happened.  Hopefully in a thousand words or less.

Don Tidwell, coward, takes that opportunity to slip out the door.

•  “Does anyone have anything to report?”  Jake looks around Cassie’s barn.  It’s still odd to see Ax and Tobias sitting out of morph and in the open.  There was a brief collective panic when Cassie’s mom poked her head in earlier to ask if they want any lemonade or feeder mice.

“I have,” Marco says grandly, “a date… with Destiny!”

«Oh, you mean Destiny Trembull in tenth grade?»  Tobias immediately undercuts this, because of course.  «She seems nice.»

“And we don’t even have to spend the next three days following her around,” Rachel comments, which gets Marco to lob a horse comb at her head.

«I have accessed one-hundred twenty-three additional channels on my television,» Ax adds.

Cassie and Jake exchange a glance.  “How’s it going, getting a ride home?” Cassie asks.  “Any word on that?”

Ax shrugs — he isn’t even going to fit in on the andalite homeworld anymore when he does finally get there — and looks away.  «I’ve been told that there are more important priorities concerning the Navy.»

«Their gratitude,» Tobias drawls, «is overwhelming.»

•  Chapman explains to Jake’s parents that Jake needs a therapist, and also permission to miss school if he needs to.  Chapman explains the Yeerk Empire and how exactly they recruit humans to Li Saren’s parents for the third, then the fourth, then the fifth time, until they are in tears and begging their son’s forgiveness for doubting him.  Chapman explains to the district that he has no idea how the school ended up with a staircase leading from a supply closet to the alien sinkhole, but that he wants it sealed up posthaste.  Chapman explains himself to Naomi Berenson, and then he does his best to explain Rachel as well.

• "No," Chapman tells the officious-looking little man sitting across his desk. "I don't know of anyone like that. I'm sorry, I wish I could be more help."

The man — he's probably a real detective, he has a badge — leans across the desk to push the photo array a little closer to Chapman. "You're sure? None of these individuals is a..." He glances at his notes. "Voluntary controller."

Chapman looks at the array, which includes images of nearly 100 students. Some of whom weren't controllers at all — that's Tobias Fangor in the upper left corner. Some of whom were lied to by the Sharing, and then lied to by the Yeerk Empire. Some of whom, like Bill Renaldi and his absolutely debilitating major depression, felt they had no choice but to give up their bodies. "Sorry," Chapman says. "None of these individuals appear to be voluntary controllers to the best of my knowledge."

The detective stares at Chapman, waiting for more information. Chapman stares back, waiting for the detective to get bored. He can do this all day, literal hours of silence if that's what it takes. He doubts any mere civilian can say the same.

Sure enough, the detective breaks first. "You see," he says, "we know for a fact that some of these individuals did, in fact, collude with the Yeerk Empire. And we have CCTV footage indicating that you might have been one of those colluders yourself. So anything you can do to help us out..."

Chapman lets the silence go for another minute, long enough for the detective to shift in place. "You're mistaken," he says at last. "About what it means to be a voluntary controller. Or an involuntary one, for that matter. The distinction you're seeking does not exist."

"I'm sorry." The guy has his notepad out now, pen moving. "You're saying... there's functionally no difference between the voluntary hosts and the involuntary ones?"

"Yes," Chapman says, unaware of the hell he's about to unleash. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

•  “Ms. Paloma’s being a butt,” Melissa says, spinning her chair with a toe on the floor.  “I told her that I have a French test the same day as the Bio one, but she just said that means I have to learn to manage my time.”

She just walked into his office.  Without knocking.  Without asking if he’s busy, if he minds, if he’s sure.  Without apologizing for her existence.  She walked in, she sat down uninvited, and now here she is complaining to him like any normal teenager.

“That sounds stressful.”  Chapman is choosing his words with infinite care.  He’s six years old again, holding a butterfly cupped in his palms and knowing that even a millimeter’s clumsiness will crush this precious living jewel.  Thinking this.  This is what I want.  “I’m sorry to hear that,” he says.

She came in unprompted.  She just walked right in.

“I hate French.”  Melissa spins the chair again.  “It’s all those lists of vocab words, and I can’t even say half of them correctly…”

“Do you want me to help you study?” Chapman asks.

Her head pops up with the force of her surprised, pleased smile.  “You’d do that?”

That’s it, then.  He’s never leaving this job.  Paperwork and all.

[ihavethedreamies]

Mine | Jaemin [NSFW]

Na Jaemin - NCT Dream

Rating: M (18+) MDNI

Word Count: ~9.3k

Pairing: Jaemin x AFAB!Reader

Genre: Reader-Insert, Fluff, Jealousy, Friends-to-Lovers, Smut

!!This is smut…if that much isn't clear you should probably leave now!! MDNI!

Warnings: She/Her Pronouns used, Swearing, Kissing, Oral (F! Receiving), Fluffy Smut

Author's Note: This is for my bestest friend in the world. Jaemin is her ultimate favorite and this might very well make her explode. Which is the goal. She didn't ask for smut, but… That is why it’s a bit more…fluffy/vanilla than my other stuff, because it's for her >3>

There is a bit of cross-over between groups here. Changbin and Felix of Stray Kids are in it directly and Wooyoung of ATEEZ is mentioned.

Fun Fact: the middle pic in the banner is actually of Hyunjin

Revised (1/31/25) - I forgot to change the name to (Y/N), so I fixed it!

I am cross-posting this on Archive. Please reblog! Share, even if its to the other sites! Let me know if you want to be on the taglist!

“Hey, you know my friend Changbin?” your friend asks as she applies her lip balm, looking in a handheld mirror. You simply blink at this, considering it isn’t even tinted, and you ponder why she needs the mirror.

“Yes?” You shake your head, looking back to your laptop. You and Yuna are sitting at a table in one of the on-campus cafés. Studying in the library is hard because you two can get kind of rowdy and it’s hard to stay quiet.

“He’s been trying to get me to set him up with one of my girl-friends…” She drifts off, casting you a not very subtle look. You have never seen the guy, just know he’s a gym rat, and he’s friends with your ex. Rubbing your eye as your vision blurs from staring at your screen too long, she leans into your blind spot, which startles you when your eye refocuses.

“What?” You grumble and she sighs dramatically, resting her cheek on the table.

“Please?” She immediately starts to beg, just repeating the word over and over.

“Oh, my god, fine!” You relent, a bit hesitant since he’s so close with Wooyoung. You aren’t sure if it is a good idea to go out with a friend on an ex.

“What if we do a double date?” Yuna can tell you’re a bit hesitant, and the thought of tag-teaming is better.

“Okay, like a double blind-date thing?” you ask and her face lights up.

“Yes! Bring me someone hot.” She winks and you huff. Going over your own friend group in your head, you try to figure out who’s best for her. You immediately throw your roommate Jisung out. He’s way too shy and quiet for her and she’s a lot for anyone. Chenle’s also out, that would be way too much loud in your life since he essentially lives with you as well with how much he’s over. Renjun isn’t Yuna’s type, she won’t go out with guys she claims are prettier than her. Mark is…something’s going on with Yuta that you don’t have time to ponder on. Donghyuck could work, but he, surprisingly, is pretty serious when it comes to dating and isn’t a fan of flings. Jeno? He could work, but you’re pretty sure he’s supposed to be going somewhere for a cycling race. That leaves Jaemin… The thought makes your stomach twinge a bit, but you can’t pinpoint why. His stupid goofy grinning face flashes in your mind and quickly changes to the cocky smirk he wears when he flirts, which he does a lot. You decide you’re nervous for Yuna because he’s such a flirt, but then again, so it she… Deep down, you know you have a bit of a crush on him despite the fact that you had declared you never would. Every time some guy rose in popularity on campus, they’re immediately disqualified. He has been your friend before that happened to him, but you begrudgingly followed the crowd when he rose to be number one pretty fast. I mean, you weren’t surprised and still aren’t, you have eyes. Jeno is also really high up there, but he seems more like a brother to you; he’s like a sweet puppy dog. Jaemin is more like a lion; lazy and beautiful.

“I’ll ask Jaemin…” You mumble to yourself, and she perks up.

“Wait, Na Jaemin?”

“Yes? That okay?”

“Fuck yea, that’s okay, holy shit!” She cackles to herself, and you grumble, typing out a quick message to him.

☀️: Wanna go on a blind date? 🐰: Why would I be blind? ☀️: You know what I mean dumbass. 🐰: who ☀️: My friend Yuna. She wants to set me up with her friend and so we decided to do a double. 🐰: you too? ☀️: Yeah, that's what I mean by double... 🐰: who ☀️: Her friend Changbin. He's one of Wooyoung's friends too. 🐰: hm

What does that mean? There are two ends of the spectrum of messaging Jaemin; you either get very short answers like right now, or way too many emojis.

🐰: hm 🐰: works out a lot? ☀️: Yeah, him. 🐰: hm ☀️: What does that mean? 🐰: wouldn't you like to know

You roll your eyes and wait as the little dots bounce as he types. Then they stop, then start, then top. What the hell is taking him so long?

🐰: wouldn't you like to know ☀️: You good, fam? 🐰: yeh, I shall go ☀️: You shall? I didn't even say when... 🐰: when then

“When are you thinking?” You turn to Yuna who’s typing on her phone, probably with her guy friend.

“Friday night, 7?” She doesn’t even look up from her phone.

“Where?” You get ready to relay the information.

“Uh…he told you to pick.” She sniggers at something else on her phone, so you go back to yours.

🐰: when then ☀️: Friday at 7. 🐰: where ☀️: You decide. 🐰: hmm ☀️: Hurry up, I need to keep working. 🐰: have your computer program decide ☀️: I'm coding a program for the periodic table it can't do that.

He’s getting on your nerves, and you ponder why the hell you even like him. For probably everything other than how he texts, but that’s beside the point.

☀️: I'm coding a program for the periodic table it can't do that. 🐰: Taeyong’s place ☀️: That's expensive... 🐰: so? ☀️: Not all of us are financially stable. 🐰: I... will pay~ ☀️: You will? 🐰: not for him ☀️: I'll make sure it's okay...

“Ask him if he’s okay going somewhere fancy. Our friend started as a chef at some place called Kwangya, but it’s pricey. Jaemin said he’ll pay for us.” You put your phone down to pull up the website to get an idea of the prices. It isn’t like a Michelin star-level place or anything, but it’s nicer than most college student would usually go for. Looking over the menu you see the cheapest entrée is still like twenty dollars.

“Oh, shit, that looks good. Let me ask him.” Yuna leans in, resting her cheek on your shoulder to look at your screen, then she goes back to her phone.

“He said that’s perfect. He’ll also pay for you, he said.” Your friend wiggles her eyebrows, and you exhale through your nose.

☀️: I'll make sure it's okay... ☀️: You're in luck. He's in and will pay for me too. 🐰: no ☀️: No? 🐰: I pay ☀️: It wouldn't make sense for you to pay for me and your date... 🐰: I pay ☀️: Okay, whatever, you two can figure it out then... 🐰: wear pink ☀️: That's not your decision. 🐰: hm

You roll your eyes; he’s so freaking odd sometimes… Most times. After all the details get ironed out, you both go back to studying and working before heading your separate ways around four. When you get back to your apartment, your eyes immediately find a foreign pair of shoes by the door. Jisung’s always sure to put his on the shoe rack with yours, and Chenle’s are normally simply thrown somewhere on the floor, but these are set nicely by the rack. Who’s at your place? Dolphin laughter can be heard from the living room, and you guess Chenle has maybe brought someone. Jisung doesn’t have too many people he knows past the other six. The rest of their friends almost always just have their shoes in a pile or would use the rack…

“Noona~” Chenle shouts in delight as you come in and you can’t hide a smile.

“Hi, Lele~”

“Did you get your program finished?” Jisung’s much quieter and deeper voice brings your attention as he comes out of the laundry room. There’s definitely a third person there, an unfamiliar bag is resting against the coffee table. Maybe they’re in the bathroom…

“Who’s here?” you ask and Jisung stiffens, worried you might be upset. Little does he know; you could never be upset with your most precious.

“My friend Felix.” Chenle is strewn across your armchair.

“The one from Australia?” You make sure you get it right and he nods. He’s looking at his phone as he types, a growing look of distaste spreading over his face.

“What’s wrong?” Jisung asks the other guy, moving to sit back down on the couch, picking up his laptop. You can hear the washer going and you really hope he didn’t put too much soap in again. As you join them in the living room, you set your bag down next to the couch and flop on the opposite end of your roommate.

“Jaemin,” is all he says, and you roll your eyes, understanding his sentiment. Guess he’s being weird with everyone today.

“I hope it’s okay, I might have stained the sink…” A deep voice catches your off guard, and you turn so fast to see the owner your neck pops. He’s…beautiful.

“What do you mean?” You finally register his comment after a few seconds of staring.

“His pen leaked.” Jisung answers and Felix shows you the faded blue stain on his hands.

“Oh, that’s okay.” You assure him, still gaping. He comes to sit back on the floor at the coffee table and gives you a smile made of sunshine.

“I’m Felix.”

“Right, yes, I’m (Y/N).” You introduce and Chenle bursts our laughing.

“You’re going on a double date with Jaemin?” The second youngest looks at you and you groan, slumping further onto the couch.

“I’m not going with him. I set him up with Yuna and she set me up with her friend,” you correct.

“Yuna? Song Yuna?” Felix asks and you nod as you straighten back up.

“Oh, I’m friends with her too. Who is she setting you up with?” He looks up from the pen that he’s holding, probably a little weary it might leak as well.

“Changbin?” When you speak the name, his face shifts from slight worry of the writing device to an amused look. He sputters a laugh, and you aren’t sure how to take that.

“You dated Wooyoung, right?”

“Yes?”

“He’s going to have a field day…”

“Why?” Is that a good or bad thing?

“Changbin’s liked you since before you broke up with Woo.” The blonde huffs another laugh as he starts to jot down notes from his textbook.

“Seriously? I’ve never even seen him… How does he know about me?”

“You were Woo’s background. You might still be, actually…” He mentions it so casually, but you’re once again shocked. You had broken up like four months ago.

“She’s Jaemin’s background too.” Chenle has begun to chew aggressively on some licorice. Your licorice-

“Hey, give that back!” You stand so you can confiscate the candy, and he whines pitifully and loudly. Then what he said hits you as you sit back down.

“I’m Jaemin’s background?!”

“It’s that picture of when you and Renjun fell in the mud at the park.” Jisung finishes and you sigh, rolling your eyes. He always has the embarrassing pictures.

“She’s still Wooyoung’s background?” The youngest turns to Felix.

“I think so…” The three boys fall back into the lull of whatever they were doing before, and you sit and ponder.

“When are you going on the double date?” Jisung’s soft voice pulls you from your thoughts.

“Day after tomorrow, why?” You look up from your phone and he looks deep in thought before he looks at his own phone.

“Just curious. I’m going to Chenle’s for a movie marathon.”

“Avengers!” The other boy cheers.

“Where are you going?” Felix pipes up and you’re once again floored by his deep voice, especially with that pretty face.

“Kwangya. Our friend Taeyong just got the position of head chef.” You reply.

“He’s such a good cook.” Jisung adds and you nod.

“That place is expensive…” the eldest boy’s scrolling through his phone, presumably looking at the menu, then he giggles.

“Order the most expensive thing possible if hyung is paying.” His mischievous smile is freaking adorable. You snap and point at him, “sure thing~”

~θωθ~

“Oh, my god, I’m so freaking excited.” Yuna bounces as she lean over your vanity, putting her lipstick on. Since Jaemin had told you to wear pink, you had your friend do so instead. Her dress is light pink with plum blossoms printed over the fabric, the tight dress ending about mid-thigh and has an asymmetric over-the-shoulder top. You’re a bit worried about her walking in the tallest heels she owns, but she likes being near the same height as her date. She has her hair up in a curled ponytail and long pink crystal earrings. You have already gotten ready and have a natural makeup look on with pretty much just mascara, eyeliner, and lip-gloss. Your dress is a deep purple with a high keyhole style top. There’s a belt around the upper part of your waist and the dress flows down the purple fading into black at the end of a circle skirt. Your tallest heels are barely even heels, but they are black, and you have dark sheer tights on as well. Your black metaling hoops match the bangle you have on your left wrist and the rings on your index and ring fingers of your right hand. Your hair is tied back and flows down your back in loose curls. Not normally one for manicures, Yuna has got you both press on nails instead and yours are almond shaped, simply black with silver accents. Hers are the same pink as her dress with cherry blossoms. She couldn’t find plum blossoms, but most people don’t know the difference anyway.

“I hope he meets your expectations.” You huff and she rolls her eyes.

“Girl, I know what he looks like, I couldn’t care less about his personality. I even broke out my fancy panties.” She smiles and for some reason, this really bothers you. You honestly didn’t know if Jaemin was the type to sleep with a girl on the first date, he doesn’t talk much about his love life around you. You shift on your feet, reaching behind you to adjust the band of your bra through the fabric of your dress. Your bra and panties are somewhat plain, just black with a bit of lace. It doesn’t matter anyway, even if you really like Changbin, you aren’t going to bed him on that first date. Unless he’s like…really freaking hot, which is a possibility. For some reason though, even thinking about it makes you feel guilty. The thought of Yuna sleeping with Jaemin makes you feel even worse, and you try to ignore it.

“Is my makeup okay?” She shoves her lipstick back in her little bag, white with a gold chain.

“Yes. Mine?” She looks over your face quickly and clicks her tongue.

“Of course. Why’d you even ask?” She grumbles and you giggle as she fixes a few stray hairs, then you go out to your living room to wait. Jisung had left only about fifteen minutes ago, peeking his head into your room to say bye. He had gotten a faint dusting on his cheeks seeing you all pretty and dressed up, and he mumbled something as he left. Not even two seconds after you sit in your armchair, your phone goes off.

🐰: Here ☀️: The restaurant? You're like twenty minutes early. 🐰: your building ☀️: Oh, I thought we were meeting there? 🐰: coming up

You shake your head; he has been acting weird the last few days and you wonder why he even agreed to this whole double date. He doesn’t seem particularly into it… When your door buzzes, you don’t even get up as you hear him keying in your door code.

“He knows your code?”

“They all do. They tend to come here when they’re drunk.” You shrug, still looking at your phone. You were scrolling through your pictures and deleting everything of you and Wooyoung. It still irks you a bit that you might still be his phone background, but you aren’t going to tell him to take it off, what if it actually wasn’t? You aren’t sure if he knew about your date with Changbin either, and you hope your past relationship doesn’t come up. When Jaemin finally enters, you hear him come down the hall, evidently still in his shoes. You’re going to scold him when he finally comes into view, but your words fizzle out. Fuck. He’s wearing a white blazer over a black dress shirt. Said shirt is unbuttoned at the top, not starting till a little above the end of his sternum. A tie is tied around his neck loosely, the two ends tucked into his shirt, highlighting the exposed skin. His slacks are black as well as his shoes, and his silver-colored hair is styled up just enough to stay out of his eyes. When your eyes meet his, after you have scanned his outfit, the look is so intense it makes you flinch.

“Fuck.” Yuna whispers and you clear your throat, standing as you grab your bag.

“Ready?” he asks, forcing his gaze away from you. His face softens into a cocky smirk as Yuna comes to stand with you.

“Yuna, right?” He scratches his neck casually and she nods, giving her best smirk.

“Yes. Everyone knows who you are, Na Jaemin~” She finally steps up to him and links her arm around his.

“Let’s go.” You force a smile onto your face and lead them out of the apartment so you can head to the restaurant. As they flirt in the elevator, it’s like you can only kind of hear them, your ears ringing like you had gotten hit in the head.

“Is Changbin meeting us there still?” you ask Yuna, and she nods.

“He should get there around the time we do.” Leading them to the small parking garage next to your building, you get in the car and wait for the other two. Jaemin holds the door open for your friend and she gets into the back where he joins her. You feel more like a chauffeur like that, but you just swallow down the bitter thoughts and leave the garage to head the right way. When you arrive, the valet takes your vehicle and there’s a guy waiting outside near the door. He’s short for a man, but still a bit taller than you, and holy fuck is he built. He has a white button down on, the buttons struggling to contain him. A black vest struggles over the shirt as well, and his black tie rests perfectly on his chest. His sleeves are half rolled up near his elbows, his forearms on display. A thick black watch draws your gaze to his hands, a simple silver band on his index finger. His slacks, also black, hug his thick thighs wonderfully and you wonder if they could split from the strain if he moves the wrong way.

“Woah…” he whispers, recognizing your presence when Yuna shouts his name. He comes to stand in front of you, his gaze scanning but polite. You watch carefully as his eyes trail over your face and neckline, before quickly jumping to your waist and legs.

“You’re even more beautiful in person.” He smiles and your face warms. He takes your smaller hand in his where it was resting on your bag, bringing it to his face and placing a light kiss on your knuckles. You hear Jaemin scoff lightly, and you choose to ignore it, focusing on the man before you.

“Let’s go in, I’m starved.” Your friend groans dramatically and Jaemin holds the door open for her, very pointedly letting it go when Changbin follows. That gives him the opportunity to hold it open for you though, and you nod in thanks with a smile as you enter the restaurant.

“We have a reservation for seven.” Yuna leans against the podium where the host is, and she types into the tablet.

“Name?”

“Song.”

“For four?”

“Yep.”

“Please, follow me.” She grabs four menus and leads you into the establishment to a table in the back corner. The place is busy, but thanks to the ritzy environment, it isn’t overly loud. The black and white décor and furniture is accented with different plants and other green things. Jaemin moves to sit down, pulling the chair next to him out. You wait for Yuna to sit, but Jaemin is staring at you. Changbin shoots Jaemin a look you don’t notice, but your friend does. Changbin does much the same, sitting across from you and casually pulling the chair back with one hand for his friend. Your guy friend rests back in his chair nonchalantly, holding the menu in his hand on his lap, slinging his arm around the back of your chair. You don’t even react, too busy looking over the menu, but the other two sure do.

“Order whatever you want, pretty girl~” Changbin smirks when you glance over your own menu at him, his resting on the table. You can’t help but marvel at his arms where they rest over the menu. His black hair is parted asymmetrically, his bangs brushing over his eyebrows. He’s very handsome, in a more masculine way than Jaemin, who’s more pretty.

“Are you sure?” you ask, Felix’s words flashing in your mind; you want to make sure though.

“Of course.” He smiles, looking back and you nod, ignoring the numbers listed by each meal.

“Hello, I’ll be taking your order today.” The waitress comes over and bows slightly, ready to get your drinks. You simply order a water, not feeling like alcohol, plus you drove. Yuna does order a glass of wine, one that Jaemin picks out. He knows jack about wine, but he act like he knows his stuff; he doesn’t even drink. His order is simply for a Coke and Changbin orders some kind of soda-liquor mix.

“Is this on two tickets or…?” The waitress starts.

“Two, me and her.” Changbin nods at you and before the waitress can start writing, Jaemin pipes up.

“One, actually.” You turn your head to look at him in shock and Yuna smiles coyly, resting her chin on her interlinked fingers. She hums and Jaemin hasn’t even looked up from his menu but to meet your glance.

“I suggested the place, might as well. Tell Chef Lee Jaemin is ordering, so he better cook it really~ good.” He smiles at the waitress, and she flushes a bit at the smolder, but nods and head off. His arm is still on the back of your chair, and you glance at Yuna who bites her lip as she looks over the man next to you.

“What are you thinking of getting?” you ask your date, and he hums, flipping to the other side of the menu.

“The cream pasta looks good, but I don’t know if I would want chicken or shrimp.” Changbin hums, then looks up at you with a smile, “what about you, (Y/N)?” The way he says your name makes your heart thump. Is he normally so sweet or is he playing it up?

“She wants the lobster.” Jaemin doesn’t look up from his menu and you glare at him. He isn’t wrong…you love it even if you don’t get to eat it very often.

“It’s not even on the menu today.” You try not to snap at him.

“I’ll get the cream pasta with shrimp.” You decide.

“Perfect.” Changbin smiles and when the waitress comes back with your drinks, your date orders for both of you.

“Give me the steak.” After Jaemin orders, he takes his menu and yours to hand them to the waitress. Yuna hums, giving you a look, and ends up getting some kind of fish. When your guy friend orders, you grimace. He knows you don’t like beef, even just the smell bothers you. Though, if he’s paying, especially with the prices being so high, you won’t say anything.

“I know we don’t know each other super well, but you’re too good for Wooyoung.” Changbin starts and you give him a shocked look. Yuna looks surprised at the comment as well and Jaemin huffs in what seems like agreement.

“W-what do you mean?” you ask.

“This is the kind of place to go. A beautiful restaurant for a beautiful girl. Let me guess, your first date was at an amusement park?”

“W-well…yes. We were first years in college though…”

“Still, you’re a lady, not a middle schooler.” He shakes his head, and you flush some at the comments. You don’t see yourself as a lady, but it makes you feel special.

“Lady, huh?” The guy next to you kind of scoffs and you roll your eyes. What is his deal?

“She’s more of a lady than this one, that’s for sure.” Changbin juts his thumb at Yuna who sends him a scalding look.

“Fuck you, Bin.”

“I would rather you didn’t.” He smirks, turning to look at you. Letting out a small chuckle, your cheeks feel even warmer, the ice water a nice contrast as you take a sip. Focusing on the older man, you two pass likes and dislikes back and forth, just getting to know each other. You aren’t sure what the other two are discussing, but you can feel the tension leave Jaemin slowly. Yuna is batting her eyelashes every once in a while, and you have a feeling her heeled foot is brushing over his shin, if not higher. You try not to think about it, going back to your date. When the food finally comes, you smile at how good it looks and smells. Luckily, your food more or less blocks the scent of Jaemin’s steak. As you twist the pasta around on your fork against your spoon, as you bring it to your mouth, you notice Changbin hold his own up.

“Cheers?” He smiles and you giggle, bumping your pasta swirl against his, then eat it. It really is so good, and you can tell it’s definitely Taeyong’s.

“I’m surprised I couldn’t hear you from the kitchen.” A familiar voice chuckles, coming up to the table.

“Hi, Taeyong-oppa.” You smile at his comment to Jaemin.

“Hyung~” He coos and you both huff.

“I didn’t know you were going to be here too, (Y/N).” He glances at the other two, “you’re Yuna, right?”

“Sure am~” She seems to be in a flirty mood, her tone is still lilted.

“You are…?” He points to the other guy.

“Seo Changbin.” He nods respectfully.

“Double date?” Taeyong’s gaze moves to you, and you nod. He simply hums before his gaze meets Jaemin’s.

“Enjoy the food, I’ll make sure you get a discount.” He bows and then leaves, and Yuna watches him leave.

“Oof.”

“Really?” You deadpan; she’s literally on a date with Jaemin.

“I need to go to the bathroom, come on, (Y/N).” She gets up, grabbing her bag and you do the same to follow her. You really don’t understand why girls always go to the bathroom together, but you always just literally follow along. When you get in there, another woman is just leaving, but otherwise it’s empty. Yuna goes to look in the mirror, pulling her make up bag out to touch up her eye makeup. You rest your back against the counter, it seems neither of you actually have to go.

“Sorry that Jaemin is being weird.” You grimace a bit, your mouth going straight.

“Well, it’s obvious he’s here for you, so…” She doesn’t seem bothered at all.

“W-what?”

“Oh, please, girl. It’s obvious he’s jealous and just came so he can keep an eye on Changbin. I’m more here to help you not be too uncomfortable, it’s just a bonus I get to flirt with Na Jaemin.” She starts to put on more lipstick, but realizes she still has to finish eating, so that doesn’t make sense.

“Y-you think?” You turn to look at her and she scoffs playfully.

“Here, I’ll play it up and see what he does.” She gets everything back into her bag and you both go back to the table. You have no idea what those two have been doing or talking about, but the tension is thick. After you sit down, the mood lightens, and a smile comes back to Changbin’s face.

“Here, have more of the shrimp.” He picks a few off of his plate to give to you before you can protest. Shooting Yuna a look, she winks, and stabs a piece of fish with her fork, holding it up to Jaemin. She hums and you make sure not to watch, so you miss his side look at you. The small talk continues with your date, and it seems that Yuna has notched up her flirting, and so does Jaemin. You two aren’t so forward, keeping it more innocent.

“Oh, here.” You notice he had some sauce on his cheek, too far away for his tongue to reach. You grab your napkin and dip it in your water so you can get it off. He smiles and the warm look makes your face heat as you sit back all the way down. You yelp when Jaemin curls his ankle around the leg of your chair and hauls you closer to him so he can whisper in your ear.

“The hell are you doing?” His tone is sharper than you have ever heard from him.

“What do you mean?” Your tone hardens as well. He simply glares down at you, and you scoff, aggressively yanking your chair back to where it was, resting your chin on your palm, closing yourself off from him.

“Sorry he’s being a dick.” You whisper to Changbin, but he doesn’t laugh, just sends a look at the other man.

“What’s your deal?” He shoots at Jaemin whose face immediately loses its flirty grin. He can be really freaking scary when he wants…same thing with Chenle.

“I just have a problem with people who don’t know their place.” He raises an eyebrow, and you swallow hard. You really want the chocolate lava cake on the dessert menu, but you’re getting fed up. He offered to pay for everyone, so you stand and angrily sling your bag onto your shoulder.

“Let’s go, Yuna. He can get home on his own.” She immediately follows you and you stop, looking at Changbin.

“I had fun with you, I’m sorry he’s being such a douche. I’ll get your number from Yuna.” You smile, giving him a slight bow and he nods, watching in shock as you both leave.

“(Y/N)!” Jaemin shouts after you and you just pick up the pace. Yuna’s heels click on the tile of the restaurant floor and then on the concrete as you leave. Tears are pricking at your eyes, the warm drops cold in the blowing wind.

“Hey, you okay?” She stops you, noticing your face starting to get blotchy.

“He’s a fucking jerk.” You sniff and she sighs.

“Hey, I’m not mad, I wasn’t expecting the world from the date-“

“Not that, how he was with Changbin. If what you said is true…” You lick your lips, and she wraps an arm around your shoulder.

“The reason it hurts so much, is because you like him. It’s hard to see someone act like a dick when you think highly of them.” She informs you wisely as you both wait for the valet to get your car. You wish you would have parked down the road so at least you could get away faster. Waiting outside means there’s the possibility of Jaemin getting to you before you could leave. Speak…well, think of the devil, and he shall come.

“(Y/N)!” He pushes the door open so hard the thick plexiglass wobbles a bit in the metal frame. You groan and tell Yuna to take your car back and begin to storm down the sideway toward your building.

“Fucking- (Y/N), wait!” He dashes past your friend, and she knows your shorter legs won’t get you far if he goes at that speed. As he catches up to you, you almost take off your shoes so you can start running. You try not to wipe at your eyes, your mascara is waterproof, but your eyeliner would probably smudge.

“(Y/N)!” Jaemin finally reaches you, his hand wrapping around your wrist, and he halts you in your tracks. Why is he so freaking strong? When you try to get away, he pulls you even closer, holding both of your hands to his chest.

“Let go!” You’re full-on crying, and he’s a bit shocked at this. He does as you ask and you’re going to turn around and keep going, but a car -your car- pulls up next to you. Yuna gets out, handing you your keys and you go to get in. Before either of you can say anything, Jaemin grabs the keys himself and goes to the driver’s side. You scoff as he shuts the door but gets in the other side.

“Can you get home?” you ask her, and she nods, waving you off.

“Changbin will get me home.” You nod and get into your car; it’s a bit weird riding in the passenger seat. The ride back is silent, tension rising in the car fast, and you try rolling the window down. Doesn’t help, just makes more noise. You roll it back up, the seal making a ‘shunk’ as it closes. You lick your lips, just watching out the window. No words are said as he parks in your spot in the garage. You want to fester a bit in the car, but he pulls your door open and stares you down, prompting you to get out. You slam the door shut and stomp forward past him to get into your building. You key in the code to the side door and don’t even hold the door open for him. You can hear him following you through and he does all the way up to your apartment. Your door slams shut, and you both stand in the entryway, panting. Sighing, you toed the straps of your shoes and kick them off, storming further into your place. It seems he’s done the same and is hot on your heels. As you leave the entry hall and start to head to the living room, Jaemin grabs your wrist, and you yelp as he yanks you. You find your back to wall; halted just right so your head doesn’t bang into it. His hand slams against the wall, pinning you in, the other one still holding your wrist. You gape at him with wide eyes, your hand held up and against the wall as well. He’s pissed. He doesn’t get mad like this too often.

“What the hell is your problem?!” You try to psyche yourself up, feeling incredibly small. Not only does his harsh gaze make you shrink in on yourself, he fully surrounds you. He scoffs, looking away and you sneer. He finally looks back at you.

“Are you really that dumb?” His tone pierces you and the tears come back, you’re frustrated and hurt.

“What?” Your voice is quiet, your face falling flat. Jaemin licks his lips again, biting his bottom lip before pressing both together hard. His eyes meet yours and your breath hitches.

“You seriously -of all people- asked me to go on a double date with you, but you were there for someone else?” His face is close to yours; he’s so close that you have to tilt your head back to meet his eyes.

“Then, you show up looking like this, but it’s not for me.” He motions with his head down and you shuffle. Jaemin’s leg shifts closer, his knee touching the wall.

“You even went so far as to flirt with another man in front of me.” His words make you look back up to him from where you had been looking at his leg between yours.

“What’s it to you?!” You counter, trying not to move too much, he’s so close, “why do you care?”

“I care because I’m in love with you, and you’re supposed to be mine!” He finally gets it out. All of the fight leaves you and you simply gape at him like a fish. Jaemin swallows, not sure how to take your reaction.

“You…love me?”

“Yes!” The hand pinning yours up pulled away, so your arm comes down to rest limply at your side. Jaemin then rests his hand on your elbow, the hand on the wall shifting so his forearm is pressed against the surface. His forehead meets his arm, the side of his jaw pressing against the top of your head. Your eyes can’t help but fall to the swatch of skin revealed by his open shirt, it’s right in front of you after all.

“I really wish I could have done this differently…” His voice is quiet, the sharpness gone, and he speaks right into your ear. The sound seems to rumble through you, and you didn’t know his voice could go that deep.

“Love?” You finally manage to get out and he huffs, pulling back enough that you can see each other’s faces. Jaemin brings his hand to his tie, and despite it being loose already, he loosens it further and just takes it off. The fabric floats to the floor, and he takes another step back so he can take off the blazer without hitting you. As he sheds the garment, he continues to move away, throwing the jacket down hard. He turns away from you and you slump further against the wall, watching as he rolls his sleeves up, so they bunch above his elbow. You can’t help but stare at his revealed forearms, a watch gracing his left wrist. On his right hand sat the ring he and your friends shared. You had one even, but keep it in your jewelry box and only wear it when you’re all together. The more you look at Jaemin, like really look, you see he’s gotten way more muscular than you even realized. He catches your staring and in any other circumstance he would’ve smirked, but he just huffs, nearly scoffing.

“My eyes are up here, (Y/N).” He clicks his tongue, and he starts to walk back towards you. He puts his left hand in his pocket, holding the right up with one finger out, and he pokes you hard on the forehead. You flinch and yelp when your head hits the wall. Jaemin sighs, letting his arm fall and puts his other hand in his pocket as well.

“You really had no idea?” The question is unexpected, and you honestly have trouble thinking about what he means, still out of it.

“No idea about what?” You shake your head, trying to get your bearings and he sighs dramatically, a slight whine in the sound.

“Me loving you, dummy.” You blink in response.

“N-no?”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“What about you?”

“About me, what?” He groans in frustration and sighs really hard again.

“Do you like me back at least?” He finally decides to be direct. You simply blink and he shakes his head.

“I’m going home-“ He backs up and moves to leave, but you stop him, gently wrapping your hands around his elbow.

“Wait.” Your voice is so quiet he almost doesn’t hear, but he halts immediately. His back is to you, so you step closer and wrap your arms around his middle, laying your cheek on his back.

“I…I think I love you too…” You truly don’t know for sure, never really feeling that way before to know. You were still in denial about having feelings for him at all up to only an hour ago.

“You think?”

“I really don’t know… I’ve never felt this way before-“ Jaemin pulls away from you roughly, but then turns to you, his hands going to your jaw. When you open your mouth to continue, his lips meet yours instead, swallowing the start of your next words. Honestly? Best kiss you’ve ever had. You didn’t know if it’s because it’s Jaemin and you like him so much, or if he’s just good at it. With a whine, you bring your own hands to his, lightly gripping his wrists. Jaemin pulls back, his expression still intense, but in a much different way.

“Tell me now if you don’t want to go beyond kissing, because I need to know before…” He drifts off, his eyes still pinned to your lips.

“Y-you can do what you want.” Your words are shaky, along with your body, but it’s more nervous excitement than anything.

“Yeah?” You hum in response and that same cocky grin you’re so used to spreads over his stupidly attractive face.

“Don’t tell me that, love, I’ll hold you to it.” He leans in as he speaks, his lips softly brushing over yours.

“Please.” You nearly cry and he kisses you again. It’s rougher that the last one, deeper, his hand wrapping around your ponytail and digging into your hair, tilting your head to get a better angle. His other hand starts at your waist before sliding down the sleek material of your dress till it lands on your butt. He squeezes and you gasp, allowing his tongue to slide into your mouth. Your head’s swimming, and you aren’t sure if it was from lack of air or just how good it felt to have his tongue tasting yours. When Jaemin finally pulls back, you whine at the loos which makes him chuckle.

“Come here, love.” His arm wraps around your waist, the other going to the back of your thigh, picking you up with ease. You whimper, wrapping your legs around his waist and you kiss over his neck and collarbone as he heads down the hall to your room. Luckily Jisung is at Chenle’s, and little did you know, it’s because Jaemin had told him, “if this night goes according to plan, you will not want to be at home.” And while the plan hadn’t gone exactly as Jaemin planned, the end result is the same. Your door closes but isn’t set in the frame, so he’s able to kick it open. It swings hard and slams into the wall, luckily into the door stop, and he kicks it closed as well. When he gets close enough, he literally drops you onto the bed. You bounce with a yelp, and you stop as you try to steady yourself, your eyes drawn to him. With rapt attention, you watch as he deftly unbuttons the rest of this shirt and untucks it, throwing it harshly to the floor. As he continues, the smirk on his face grows more and more devious, his confidence growing a little too much from your stare.

“Wanna touch?” He teases as your eyes trace every little line and ridge of his torso. Without thinking, you nod, and he laughs. The noise snaps you out of the trance and you frown,

“Jerk…” You mumble and he chuckles, stepping forward slowly, prowling. His right hand grips his belt and the waist of his pants, and when he’s close enough, his hand goes to your chin to tip your head back. Jaemin crooks his eyebrow, and you wilt a bit under the look, more nervous excitement buzzing through you. When he steps back, your eyes go to the hand on his belt and watch as he undoes his belt, pulling it out of the loops of his pants with a snap and it clatters to the floor. Your mouth waters and he tries not to laugh, “Your eyes are gonna burn holes through me~” You flinch back, purposefully looking at his face.

“Look all you want, love.” He says, the smirk coming back. So, you do. Your eyes zero in on his hands, he first removes his watch, letting it clatter onto the floor as well. Same thing with his ring, he doesn’t want the others having any part of this, even it it’s through the friendship ring. Next, and you aren’t sure if he actually does it slowly or it plays in slow-motion through your eyes, but he undoes the button on his slacks, and they fall. You gasp, he does still have his underwear on, but he’s just that much closer to being bare before you.

“You have too many things on.” He decides and strides forward, falling to his knees as the foot of the bed where you sit. His hands go to your hips and pulls you all the way forward so hard and you fall, back hitting in the bed.

“Are these those tights that don’t tear?” His question throws you off a bit.

“Uh, no, they were like a few dollars-“ RIP. He just tears them right at the seam of the crotch.

“Jaemin!” You scold but he ignores you; finishing ripping them and then pull the pieces off. He could’ve just pulled them off normally… When the scraps are discarded, he flips the end of your dress up, exposing your black panties and your face flushes as he just stares.

“D-don’t stare like that!” You cover your face with your hands then, practically screaming when he unexpectedly buried his face between your legs.

“J-Jaemin!” You yelp, his tongue brushing harshly over the fabric, tasting your wetness through the material.

“Fuck~’ He coos at your taste, and you’re extremely grateful he doesn’t tear your panties off as well. What you don’t notice though is that he pockets them as hit mouth meets your bare cunt. Jaemin lets out an obscene groan as your walls clench around his tongue and you whimper. Why’s he being so freaking noisy? Again, startled yelp escapes you when his hands grab your thighs, roughly holding your legs open, preventing your hips from moving. It seems he had planned ahead because when he seals around your clit and suck, your entire body jerks, the air leaving you.

“Jaemin-! Wait, fuck-“ You suck air in harshly, the rising pleasure so intense that before you know it -with one last flick of his tongue- you fall off the edge. He moans as you whine, his voice fading into a low chuckle as your orgasm ebbs. Falling boneless onto the bedding, he gets up from the floor and coos at you.

“Oh, sweet love~” His normal playful tone is weaved with heat, his words seeming to rumble through the room. Gently, he helps you sit up, kissing your neck and jaw softly as he pulls the zipper of your dress down. You let him pull the garment up and off your head, your glazed over expression goes straight to his hardening cock.

“So pretty~” Jaemin huffs in delight, leaning over to kiss you again as he unhooks your bra and slings it somewhere to the side. With a mewl, you feel him pick you up again to move you further up the bed, laying you down softly and making sure your head is settled on the pillow. His next kisses are incredibly soft, going from your mouth to the crest of your cheek, your jaw, neck, collar, sternum, the swell of your breast, then his mouth seals over your nipple. It makes you shiver, but he quickly moves on, kissing to the other side, and licks over your other nipple.

“Jaemin~” You whine, needing more. He smiles -not a smirk- and goes back up and kisses your forehead. The man laughs when your arms lazily wrap around his neck, trying to get him closer to kiss him again. Instead, he lets your kiss over his face, his hands going to your hips and adjusting you, so your legs wrap around his waist. When you he grinds his still covered hard-on into your bare core you let out a low whine.

“I need you to let me go so I can get a condom…” He laughs when you shake your head no, holding on tighter.

“Okay…” He relents, wrapping his arms around you again and you yipe when he easily hauls you up and gets off the bed. Holding onto him like a child, he laughs at your antics, and he stoops to get his pants and get his wallet.

“You always keep one there?” You grumble and Jaemin continues to laugh, going back to the bed.

“No, love. I planned ahead~” He lets out his characteristic little-shit giggle as he lays you down again, just as softly.

“Hurry!” You wiggle, letting your legs fall so he can maneuver and get his tight black briefs off. Your jaw goes slack and the smuggest simper you have ever seen on his face appears. No wonder he’s so freaking confident all the time.

“I’ll fit~” He teases, and you want to get annoyed, but is too distracted as he rolls the condom over his cock, making you swallow.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” His hand goes gently to your cheek, rubbing his thumb over the soft skin. You turn your head, kissing his palm and the soft gesture makes his smile soften as well.

“Okay, love.” Jaemin shifts, lightly gripping your hips and you bury your fingers in his soft silver hair as he brings his cock to your core, stroking it through your folds before starting to ease in. You gasp, trying not to clench too hard. It has not only been awhile for you, but he’s bigger than you’re used to as well. Your whole body shivers, and you try to relax and not clench him too much. You watch his brow furrow; you’re tight around him and he can’t believe he finally gets to be inside you.

“Breathe, love.” He smirks, helping you relax as he bottoms out. The walls of your cunt flutter around his cock, trying to get used to the stretch and you try not to dig you press-on nails into the skin of his back. He wants to change that though, planning on having red welts decorating his back when he gets done. When he feels you relax more around him, and your body isn’t as tense, he brings your legs up higher around is waist and gives a very shallow thrust.

“Fuck!” You moan and Jaemin groans, starting a slow pace, not wanting to overwhelm you yet.

“J-Jaemin!” You throw your head back after he fives his first hard thrust, nearly pulling all the way out before his hips snap, carving his shape into your core.

“Oh, love, you feel so fucking good~” He lets out a breathy chuckle, sitting back on his heels more, the angle change letting the head of his cock hit your sweet spot. With each thrust, he fucks a little noise out of you, everyone once and while it’s his name or some nonsense babbling.

“Hold on, love.” He grunts, getting up on his knees more, his strong hands gripping you thighs so hard he’ll definitely leave bruises, and throws your legs over his elbows. Jaemin smirks, rolling his hands and as the head of his cock hits the deepest of your pussy, you cum. It’s sudden, and your breath halts; he freezes, eyes clenching shut. He wants this to last longer, and while he knows he could go more than one round, he really wants to prolong it. You shiver slightly when it’s over, trying to catch your breath and he groans, shifting on his knees and grabbing another pillow to shove under your hips.

“Okay, get ready~” He practically giggles, and begins to fuck you in earnest. Your cunt is sensitive from cumming twice, but it still feels too good, and your mind starts to fog. Your hands that are digging in the bedding scramble, gripping his back, not wanting to tear your sheets. He groans as the rounded ends of your press-on nails dig into your skin, scratching down and leaving stinging lines all over his back. Jaemin chuckles deeply as you whimper and moan.

“You’re so good for me, huh~?”

You whine in response.

“Like my cock~?”

Whine.

“Fuck, I love you so much~” He slumps forward, burying his face in the crook of your neck, sucking and licking at the skin. His thrusts stay hard, but lose their rhythm as he gets closer to his own release. Your hands move to around his shoulders, one still scratching up his back, the other in his hair.

“Love~” You mewl, and he huffs, burying his cock as deep as he can and cums. Someday, he vows to feel the raw heat of your pussy around him… Slowly he pulls out and you whimper, feeling incredibly empty. He realizes that he had only brought one condom…

“Great.” He grumbles, but when he sees you laying there, eyes unfocused and body limp, he realizes that might be for the best. Smiling softly, he leans down, brushing the sweat-soaked hairs from your forehead and lays a kiss there.

“Be right back, love.” Jaemin pecks your lips and gets off the bed. You’re only semi-conscious as he goes and cleans up. He comes back quickly, helping you get under the covers, and he turns the ceiling fan on, so you don’t get too hot. Someone, you manage to stay awake as he takes a cold shower, and you mewl for him when he come back.

“(Y/N)~” He coos dramatically, back to his goofy self. He puts his pants back on, but leaves his shirt off, knowing you’ll ogle him. Giddily, while giggling, he wiggles under the covers with you.

“You’re cold…” You mumble and he nods with a hum.

“Warm me~!” He opens his arms to you, and you tiredly shuffle closer and slump into his hold. You’re too tired to really appreciate laying on his half-naked body, and he soothingly pets your hair, nuzzling the top of your head.

“I love you.” Jaemin whispers and you mumble something, and he huffs, “what?”

“Love you too~” Your voice is slurred with sleepiness, and you near-instantly fall asleep. He soon drifts off as well, but about an hour later, he’s awoke by a commotion.

“Noona~!”

“Chenle, wait!” Jisung shouts after him, but can’t get to him in time as he dashes down the hall and throws your bedroom door open. When all he sees is Jaemin propped up, glaring at him with a lump next to him, the younger stops dead.

“Get out of there!” The youngest scolds, purposefully not looking as he grabs the other guy and hauls him out.

“THEY FUCKED!” Chenle nearly screams and Jaemin collapses to the bed with a groan and Jisung drags him down the hall, trying to get him to shut up. You grunt a bit and Jaemin smiles, you’re so cute. Your eyes flutter open, and he smiles warmly.

“He’s so freaking loud…” You pout and he dramatically acts like he’s been shot in the heart.

“Oh~ So cute~” He envelopes you into his arms, holding you close and rocks back and forth. It forces a tired giggle from you, and you go limp again when he finally lies still.

“You’ll be my girlfriend.” It’s more of a statement than a question and you hum.

“Of course.” You run your fingers over his collarbone, finally getting to feel and see him. Another cocky grin spreads over his face as you don’t hold back, your hands stopping on the waist band of his pants. He smirks, rolling on top of you, making sure you don’t hold his full weight.

“For now~” You furrow your brow, wondering what he means. One day, my wife.

Master-Master List

NCT Master List

[cloverapple]

I've been trying asleep methods since forever but i have no idea of how to do an awake method

You can find so much great advice about shifting your awareness while you’re awake, and I absolutely encourage you to dive into it because people explain things in all kinds of different ways. It’s like a buffet, and you can pick and choose what resonates with you.

The way I usually do it—and it’s better explained in this post—is I count to distract myself, detaching and sinking into a meditative state. I use my emotions to feel myself in my DR, letting hypnagogia do its thing and distort my awareness until I choose to shift.

But something I’ve realized recently is that the method of awake shifting, where you lay down and pretend you’re already in your DR or affirm that you’re about to shift, puts way too much focus on when you’ll shift. It creates this crazy pressure to shift instantly, to feel symptoms, to make it happen right then and there. Like, you have to shift in the blink of an eye. And it’s all on time, which isn’t always the vibe.

Removing the expectancy to shift at a certain time from awake shifting (or any method) and taking the pressure off could actually make a huge difference for people struggling with this. I’m not saying that deciding you’re already in your DR and trusting yourself doesn’t work. It does, trust me. But the mind doesn’t work on one straight path. Just like there are a million ways to learn something or think about something, there are many ways to go about shifting your awareness to another reality.

So, when you’re there doing your awake shifting process, remember a few things:

• Your subconscious already knows you intend to shift. Setting an intention isn’t this big, complicated multi-step thing. If you decided to lay down to shift, the intention is already there. Your subconscious knows. Let. It. Go. Unless it feels true to you, unless it feels good, empowering, or aligned, there’s no real need to keep hammering in phrases like “I’m shifting now,” “I’m going to shift now,” or “I am shifting.” You’re just giving it commands, when all you need to do is trust. Trust is the command.

• When you’re trying to convince yourself, trying to convince your subconscious into thinking you’re already in your DR, the core of whatever you’re doing—whether it’s convincing yourself your surroundings have changed or that you’re already there or heading there—is about one thing: feeling it emotionally. You’re trying to evoke the emotions of being there. That’s where it’s at.

But that begs the question—how do you let go while channeling emotions at the same time?

Well, here’s the magic formula I’ve mentioned a few posts ago: High Emotion + Low Attachment = Flow.

This is how we live life every single day without even realizing it. Think about it:

Throughout the day, you’re not fixated on the act of living itself. You’re just living. And how do you live? By experiencing emotions.

Shifting is the same way. You don’t focus on the act of shifting, you don’t cling to it. Your subconscious already knows what you want. You simply channel the feelings of being in your DR, of living in the end, of already having what you want. And you don’t get attached to it. Why would you be attached to something you already have, right?

Now, this is just one approach to shifting. This doesn't mean all other interpretations of shifting awake are wrong. Even this one might not resonate with you for all I know. You could tailor this advice to your own style; use affirmations, listen to music, meditate, or even treat this as a precursor to another method. You could toss this all aside and use stuff like assuming you’re already in your DR, assuming you’ll wake up there, or assuming you have the ability to shift— all perfectly valid methods I’ve recommended before because they work.

But here’s the thing about all of this, and this applies to asleep methods too: when you strip it down to the bare bones, deconstruct it to its simplest form, it’s all about this:

Trust + Feel + Let Go.

“I’m already in my DR” – It’s because you trust that you’re in your DR, you feel yourself in your DR, and you let go, relaxing into the experience.

“I’m shifting to my DR” – It’s because you trust that you’re shifting to your DR, you feel the emotions and sensations you would if you were in the process of shifting, and you let go.

“I will shift to my DR at any moment” – It’s because you trust that you will shift, you feel the emotions you would knowing it’s going to happen, and you let go.

“I’ve already shifted” – It’s because you trust that you’ve shifted, you feel yourself in your DR already, and you let go.

Each of these statements works because it boils down to trusting the process, feeling the reality as if it’s already true, and letting go of the need to control the outcome.

I hope this makes sense lmao <3 Good luck in any case :)

[drdemonprince]

Can you offer any (academic) writing advice for Autistics and ADHDers? You clearly write a lot and write very well and very clearly, so some insight into your process would be great. Personally, I tend to struggle with over explaining or over citing (cause I am always getting misunderstood) and that I get very fixated on not misrepresenting what my sources are saying to avoid feeling like I'm lying. All this is time consuming and makes it hard to say what I really want to say. Thanks!

Hi there! I've written an essay about a lot of this, here is the free link to read it on Medium:

Much of my writing process is inspired by the book How to Write a Lot by Paul Silvia, and it is specifically tailored to academics. The advice applies to people who write popular nonfiction or fiction just as easily, however. And he does have advice relevant to the self-editing and self-doubt you describe feeling.

The full piece gets into this more, but here are some of the stand-out tips:

Schedule a regular time to write every week and show up no matter whether you are feeling it or not.

Throw out all your magical thinking about what you "need" to be able to write. You don't need the perfect workspace, divine inspiration, the right pen, the right playlist. You just need to show up to write regularly, and do it

Editing, outlining, working with research notes, and drafting all count as "writing." Don't expect your initial drafts to be perfect or to equate writing only with getting new words on the page.

Try writing in public spaces to help get yourself in the mindset of explaining a concept to someone with a different frame of reference and type of expertise than you. Writing in a cafe or a public library can force you think and write in a more accessible way. (alternatively, you can pretend you are explaining the concept to a specific person in your life who you respect but who doesnt have all the same reference points as you -- sometimes this is called the "Grandma Test". Explain something like you are talking to your grandma.)

In addition to all this, I would add that you should read a lot of writing, both good and bad, especially work that isn't dry and academic. If all you read is journal articles, you'll write a journal article -- and most of those are hell to read, even for academics. read fiction. read bad wattsapp shipping. read substacks. read newspapers. read indulgent personal nonfiction in the cut or whatever. read reddit posts. notice what works and what doesn't. develop an ear.

and then write a lot! it took me 15 years to get good enough for anything i wrote to get noticed. you can expect to take many years to get comfortable developing your own voice, too. i dont know how far along you are, but even when you've made tremendous progress you'll only notice your flaws and feel the most turgid brain foggy moments. that doesn't mean you're failing.

also, to some extent you can embrace your citation-dense, precise manner of self-expression. we are living in a moment of maximalism and indulgent, long creative works. it's the decade of the 5 hour youtube essay and the 2 hour album. my 5,000 word essays do better than my 2,000 word ones. you should strip down unnecessary tangents and trust yourself and your reader a little more probably, but ive found that the more blatantly autistic and indulgent my writing gets the more the right people like it. a writer's flaws and their distinctive voice are kinda hard to separate. you're not for everyone!

good luck!

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Prynhawn da Elanor,

I'm a student in the US currently applying to universities for next year, and I have a couple of questions about Welsh universities if you have the time. I'm looking at both schools in the US and one in Wales (I managed to visit over the summer and it seemed great, loved the town and the university, and the degree that I'm interested in is very solid there), and the teaching style/expectations of students are an unknown factor. I've been taking college classes while still in highschool so I'm familiar with college-level instruction in the states, and it's not ideal for what I'm interested in studying. For example, at one of the schools I visited that is supposed to be a decent research university, the faculty were surprised that I had questions about research as an undergrad, and according to current students, the hardest part of their studies were quizzes on botanical taxonomy. So, I'm curious, what are the general academic expectations for students (especially in ecology or wildlife biology-related courses)? It seems like assessments are more practical or long-form and less quiz/multiple choice.

This got long-winded, so my apologies, and thank you for your time!

Shwmae! Happy to answer.

SO, I shall caveat this with saying that I don't really understand how higher education works in the US; it's a very different system to the UK in many ways. I'm therefore not entirely sure how to explain the exact differences. So, I'll just tell you about how it works over here rather than trying to do a comparison, if that makes sense? It means some of this will definitely feel like Water Is Wet stuff, but hopefully there'll be an exact answer in there that you can extract. Also, if you're comfortable doing so (and want to), I'm happy to talk over DM if you want slightly more specific advice involving you revealing details that otherwise might doxx you.

(Also second point, because I have danced this dance before and I know what Some Of You Lot are like when my posts start gaining traction beyond my circle of followers: in places where I do explain something that's different between the two systems, I am not saying one is better or worse than the other. Don't be a cunt about this. Work on your defensiveness and ego in your own time. I'm too busy and important for your feelings.)

Third point: I'm snipping this for length. On with the answer!

So, degrees over here are fairly fixed in terms of content and duration. Some offer a specific, set array of modules that make up the degree; others have essential core modules, and then you can choose from a small number of options until you get the required credits. But part of choosing the course for you over here is looking at the modules that make up the degree to make sure you're getting the exact focus you want; the one I teach on, for example, has a focus on practically applying environmental science, with the result that it has a very high post-graduation employment rate across a variety of environmental disciplines. Others might focus more on human geography, or environmental engineering, or climate science, or whatever else.

The reason for this is the quality assurance system in the UK. Courses have to be validated as being the right quality in terms of content, level of study, assessment practices, etc. Let's say you get a BSc from UWTSD in Environment, Sustainability and Climate Change; that comes with a quality assurance for a future employer that you have learned a specific set of skills, a specific knowledge bank, and are capable of using both in a specific way. There shouldn't be a risk, for example, that they hired someone from the same course the year before who had the same qualification as you, but turned out to not understand the dynamic processes behind sand dunes and couldn't write an official report to save their life, meaning you get passed over for the job the following year because they can't trust that your education actually means anything; if both of you have the same qualification, then the course should be meeting sufficient quality standards to ensure that you both therefore have the same knowledge and skillset.

So that's point one!

Where this works in your favour is point two: assessment. Assessment is also rigidly quality-checked, but it means you can ask a course director and immediately get an outline of what the assessment procedures are (not the precise assessment tasks, obviously; but, report vs exam vs lab practical etc will be known).

But also, yes, assessment in the UK is extremely rarely what I understand to be 'quizzes' in the US, and extremely rarely multiple choice. Rightly or wrongly, there is a definite perception in academic circles over here - even at high school level, much less university - that a multiple choice quiz is too easy to pass by guessing, and they're very looked down on as a method to assess learning.

What you'll have instead varies between modules and courses, but I can give you an idea with a couple of mine:

Level 4: Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services

No exams: two reports based on practical field/lab work, both worth 50% of the final mark

First: dissect owl pellets in the lab from two sites. Evaluate what the findings mean for the biodiversity on each site, and suggest some future site management prescriptions. 2000 words.

Second: fieldtrip to nearby woods to take allometric tree measurements and calculate carbon sequestration. Evaluate the ecosystem service provided by the woodland, and comment on site management and conservation. 2000 words.

Level 5: Coastal, Marine and Wildlife Conservation

One assignment, one exam, each worth 50% of the final mark

Assignment: Ramsey Island has far less biodiversity than neighbours like Skomer, Grassholm, etc. Research why, what was done to fix it, how well it's recovered, and suggest what should be done in the future to aid further recovery. 2500 words.

Exam: First half is a selection of short form questions to test baseline knowledge. Second half is a 50 mark essay question; choice of two topics to answer.

Level 6: Habitat Management and Building Resilience

No exams: two assignments, one before Christmas worth 30% of the mark, one in May worth 70%

First: choose a species reintroduction project of your choice, and find the habitat feasibility study carried out for it. Critique that habitat feasibility study. Put your findings into an academic poster and present it. 15 mins.

Second: using teachings from across the year, produce a habitat management plan for a site of your choosing. You need to actually visit and assess your site. 3500 words.

(L4, 5 and 6: first, second and final year of undergrad)

The idea in each case is not just to test knowledge; it's to test applied knowledge, and to teach real-world skills needed in the industry after you graduate. If you go into land management, for example, the ability to guess the right answers based on the multiple choice pattern is useless; the ability to assess a site and write up a management plan for it, on the other hand, is literally the job you're hired to do.

So, as far as research is concerned... if you mean carrying out your own research on a topic of your own choosing, the main place that happens is your dissertation in third year. But, you can start that earlier if you want. In our department, we also encourage and support any independent research a student may choose to do, even if they don't end up using it for their degree directly.

If you mean general research skills, though, those are vital to every assignment. If you only repeat back whatever papers or knowledge the lecturers have given you, and don't research independently, you will barely scrape a pass. We actively push you to learn those skills.

And then lastly, expectations for students! In higer ed, you are now an adult, and you are choosing to be here: this means that the expectation is that you're meeting the lecturers halfway, as it were. It's a mistake a lot of new students make, if they've come straight from high school - uni is just The Next Thing to do, but to them it's basically like school, so the teachers have to keep trying to teach them even if the student barely shows up or makes any effort.

But that is not so! They are no longer pupils, and I am not a teacher.

If I say to a class "Look up these papers and be familiar with the arguments before next session because we're going to have a seminar", and then someone doesn't bother because "Whoops I went out drinking and forgot to do my homework teehee", then they can get out. They are adults paying for a particular service. I have offered that service. If they think of it as homework and choose not to do it because they wanted to go out clubbing instead, then... okay. That's the choice they can make. But the consequence is, I'm not chasing after them, because I'm not a teacher, and that's not my job. Now they aren't having that session. This will have a knock-on effect for their understanding of the topic; but that's the choice they made.

(Again, before the Pissing On The Poor crowd arises: I am, very obviously, not talking about students who have other struggles that impact their academic performance. I am, very literally and clearly, talking about the 18-year-old school leavers who are still in the school mindset, and think of missing lectures as 'skiving', and on a lizard brain level think there won't be consequences to that because so far in their life, education systems have not been allowed to fail them for that behaviour.)

So, basically... you're expected to want to learn and improve, and to put the work in to do that. Not to just be there to get the degree, but to be there to learn. Adult education is collaborative between lecturer and student. We guide you, but it's your journey to take.

Anyway! I hope that is at all useful. Let me know if you want clarification on anything, or have any other questions!

[prettieinpink]

5K SPECIAL | CREATING YOUR OWN GARDEN𝜗𝜚

This is a guide to make your mind like your own garden flourishing with plants, flowers and butterflies. Having a good mental mindset, and being in the right state of mind is essential to being the best version of yourself.

This guide is divided into four sections: mindset, self-care, mental wellness and emotional intelligence. I hope you can take away something useful and take care of yourself! 💖 

MINDSET

Your mindset can easily determine how you go through life. It influences how you feel, act, behave and your thoughts. When you have a poor mindset, it is going to be difficult to go through life, even if your life is easy. 

However, once we grow and improve our minds, it is easier for us to navigate life, improve our well-being and increase our chances of success. 

Before we get into mindset shifts, I want to explain how exactly you can implement them in your life. I feel like there’s so much talk about mindset, but no one exactly explains on how to implement them. 

IMPLEMENTING 

The first thing to implementing mindset shifts is making a conscious effort to be aware of your thoughts. If you want, practice mindful activities to improve your self-awareness of your thoughts. 

You have to be able to catch a thought in its passing and whoosh it away from your mind. If you don’t whoosh it away, those simple thoughts build each time which can soon turn into the way you think.

Secondly, after increasing your awareness, identify what exactly about your thoughts or mindset you’d like to shift, and what you would like to shift to.

Thirdly, is to completely immerse yourself in that mindset shift. The mind learns through repetition, meaning that repeating it enough will make your mind learn it. 

Set your mindset shift as your weekly intention, say affirmations, and prayer, read books on it, put a quote on your phone as your wallpaper, just make it so that mindset shift is constantly on your mind. 

Lastly, do small actionable things that reinforce that mindset shift. I recommend you do at least one habit every day for this. 

This is not the only method to implement mindset shifts, but for me, it’s the one that is highly effective. I recommend doing some research on your own, and making adjustments when needed depending on how you think. 

MINDSET SHIFTS

This whole part we’ll talk about the mindset shifts I think everyone should at least try to implement in their lives if they want to improve themselves. These mindset shifts are my absolute favourites and they improved the quality of my life. 

After each one, I’ll state a small habit you can incorporate that contributes to that shift. 

Live your life with your highest self in mind. 

This is more intentional living than an actual mindset shift, but still as important. Whatever you do throughout the day, consider if it aligns with your highest self. If not? Release it. Your highest self knows what's best for you, trust them. 

At the end of the day, reflect on your daily habits, which include all habits you did today whether they were ideal or not. What habits aligned with your highest self and which didn’t? The ones that didn’t, why? How can you change or remove this habit to get closer to your highest self?

Rejection is just redirection.

As someone who has gotten rejected from the things that they wanted and felt so lost in the pursuit of fulfilment, this mindset shift saved me. You have to stop chasing the things that aren’t meant for you if life has proved it isn’t.

While I’m not saying give up after the first try, but try to step back and assess the situation. If you are qualified and ready for this thing, then why is it still not yours? Because it isn’t meant for you. God is trying to nudge you into a different path, recognise his signs. 

To handle rejection better, look for the lesson(s) you’ve learnt, and the skills you grew and see if there is another area of life that you can apply them to. 

Keep yourself on a pedestal.

I am worthy so much to me. It sounds like a weird sentence, but you should start treating yourself like a treasure and avoid giving out that same treatment to most people because you have your soul, which homes itself in your body. Every day, you are living through this soul and body. 

So, why would you take care of someone else’s soul and body? You are never going to be the soul that lives in their body, or the body which homes their soul. Don’t neglect yourself in the priority of someone else. 

Practice setting boundaries with others and recognising when someone wants more than what you’re willing. 

You choose the life that you want.

You have choices and options every day to do things that will eventually have an outcome. Whether this outcome supports the vision of your dream life or not, all depends on how you choose to live your life now.  

I don’t have a habit with this one but keep in mind that absolutely nothing is controlling you, and your choices are of free will. Circumstances can change, but that is why we have to adapt and be flexible.

Fear is a step to success

If you’re not scared, you’re not doing it right. Fear can hold us back, but that is why we have to twist fear into a source of motivation instead. If we were always in our comfort zone, stepping back when we feel a sliver of fear, we allow fear to dictate our life and its course. 

You can’t be successful unless you do the uncomfortable. For this one, do something each day that scares you or makes you uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme, but simple things like exercising longer than usual or talking to someone who you wouldn’t imagine yourself with. Those little risks are so important. 

Embarrassment is not a real emotion 

This one is a bit controversial, but I do not believe in the concept of embarrassment. Yes, things can sometimes be awkward, but it is fully in your control if you want to feel ashamed or not. Being embarrassed only holds you back, and doesn’t allow you to live life to its fullest. 

I would recommend doing a small risk every day as well, but of things that would usually feel awkward. 

Progress over perfection/completion

Perfectionism which is allowed to be nurtured over time can create an avoidance mindset towards doing harder things in life. While we should strive for excellence in everything we do, we shouldn’t allow it to consume us. 

(the avoidance mindset is when we put off/avoid tasks that we believe to be out of our abilities, and so that completion of the task is poor quality/not done well.) 

This one is less common, but I know a few people who would not do a task if they knew it would not be fully completed in their desired time frame. However, each minute of work contributes to the results or completion of something. 

Every day, do one thing that will add up to the completion of your long-term goals. 

To welcome tomorrow, you have to let go of yesterday. 

Living in the past makes us neglect our present self. I’m not saying forget everything that’s happened, but never allow the past to consume your mind. Acknowledge that you’ve been hurt, you’re longing or you were happier. Then, release it. 

Journaling is the perfect way to stay in touch with the present. You can type it, write it, vlog, draw, or compose to journal. 

Everyone has their beauty.

This one helped me a lot with comparison. I saw beauty, not as a measure or a value of someone, but rather something that everyone has uniquely and it cannot be valued. I have my sense of beauty, and you have your beauty as well. We are two different people with unique features, traits and qualities, so our ‘beauty’ can’t be measured against each other. 

Define your beauty. You could be smart, feminine, book beauty or dark, flowers, creative beauty. You add your details to your beauty and never try to define someone else's. 

To conclude this section, your mindset is very powerful. To achieve your goals, work on your mindset. Also, don’t try to work on more than one mindset shift at a time. Implement one fully then work on the next one. It could be overwhelming if you’re doing more than one. 

SELF-CARE

The next chapter of this guide is about self-care. Self-care is important for maintaining balance in our lives and generally keeping ourselves happy. However, most people don’t understand the concept of self-care, so they just end up doing a bunch of random things and wondering why they don’t feel better.

Yes, you can coddle or pamper yourself when you want, but it is not self-care. While activities from these three things do overlap, do not confuse the terms with each other. 

Self-care is simply what it says. Taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself looks different for everyone. My idea of self-care will be different to yours.

REDEFINING SELF-CARE.

When you imagine what self-care looks like, it’s typically someone else’s definition of self-care which has been reinforced in your mind. You have to redefine your idea of self-care to match your goals, energy levels and circumstances. 

Before you do, self-care is not always about taking a break. It seems that way, however, self-care can also be having the discipline to do the things that you don’t want to, but are good for you. 

Here are some questions to help you redefine your self-care:

What does self-care mean to you? Does that meaning align with your current values and needs? 

Do you have any negative associations or misconceptions of self-care? Why?

How do I feel in all areas of my life? (physically, mentally, spiritually, professionally). What areas need more attention and how can I improve that area(s)?

What activities bring me happiness, fulfilment and a sense of renewal? 

What tasks do I have to do, which are good for me but I hesitate in completing that task?

How would I like to feel after complementing my self-care rituals? 

Envision your life if it had complete balance and self-care incorporated. What habits would you be doing to support that vision? 

My idea of self-care is completing all of my non-negotiables, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, taking somewhat productive breaks and talking to others daily. 

THE SEVEN PILLARS OF SELF-CARE 

Self-care has seven pillars, which you all need to take care of to have a balanced life. However, balanced self-care does not mean equal attention to each pillar. It means that each one is up to the same standard of self-care you’ve put for yourself. So, you need to allocate your attention appropriately. 

MAJOR PILLARS 

Physical - The well-being of your body. 

Mental - The state of your mental health, mind and emotions. 

Spiritual - The strengthening of your relationship with God while nourishing your holy spirit. 

Personal - Doing things that bring you enjoyment and fulfilment + embracing your identity.

MINOR PILLARS

Social - Connecting with friends, family or even strangers.

Professional - Your work/school life. 

Environment - Keeping your space clean and extracting anything that holds you back. 

Major and minor do not add or take away the value each category has, it just means that major pillars may need more attention compared to the minor ones which may need less attention. Of course, you may need to focus more on a minor pillar, as self-care is individual to you. 

I would’ve added a list of things that you could do for each category, but I want you to think about what you need for each instead of relying on strangers with different lives for self-care. 

Maybe you need to focus on exercising and doing your hobbies more. Or you need to create a better work/life balance for yourself. It all depends on your values, needs and circumstances. 

MENTAL WELLNESS

Mental wellness is the state of our cognitive, emotional and psychological functioning. When we are mentally well, we can cope better with challenges, develop a habit of having positive thoughts, and greater happiness and improve most areas of our lives overall.

There are a lot of things that contribute to our mental wellness, and I most likely won’t have everything here. Just a little disclaimer as well, it is completely normal to have a fluctuating mental state especially when we are going through unfavourable change. 

DIGITAL MINDFULNESS

Social media is a huge part of our lives but is also the main factor of mental destruction. I’m not going to say delete all of your social media, but I want to introduce to you a few ways to mindfully consume and rules with managing screen time. 

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION

To consume content mindfully, go onto apps intentionally and know what your purpose is when using that app. For example, if you want to find new habits that you can do, you could search on Tumblr or if you want a quick break from something stressful you can watch an episode of something on Netflix. 

It doesn’t matter what the purpose exactly is, but the action of being intentional. 

After you consume what you want, download images, and screenshots, and take notes or any documentation of what you found/learnt. This is more so the information is remembered/used. 

Manage your notifications. You do not need notifications from every app. Except for messages and phones, I do not put notifications on my device. I believe that if something is important enough, I’ll remember to check my phone later without the help of a notification. 

Only consume quality content. It is so easy to consume content that has obviously been reposted or is blatantly spreading misinformation. Only consume from people who you trust and you’ve followed/subscribed to. While yes, you can explore but be very mindful when doing so.

You should be decluttering, organising and deleting on your devices routinely.  This reduces the amount of distractions on your phone and makes it more intentional. Only keep the things that align with your needs, values and goals. 

DIGITAL BOUNDARIES

Have rooms or zones in the house in which you’re not allowed to use any devices or the devices you choose. For example, the bed, bathroom, office, when you’re eating at the dining table, etc. 

An alternative is having a period of a day when device usage is not allowed. It could be right after you wake up, right before you go to sleep or just in the middle of the day. Either, I recommend you have a time or place in which device usage is not allowed.

While I encourage everyone to keep up with socialising with their loved ones and friends, I don’t support dropping everything just to talk to someone. E.g If somebody wants to text while you’re in the middle of a study sesh, just say you’ll talk later. 

MANAGING STRESS

Stress is an unwelcome yet common feeling we all have. No matter what’s on your plate, we tend to stress a lot, especially in a society that is going so fast and makes us feel like we’re falling behind. 

To manage stress, you need to be self-aware of when you feel stressed. A lot of people actually can’t recognise when they feel stressed, and I am one of those people. Instead, I rely on mental or physical signs that tell me I’m feeling stressed out. 

SIGNS OF STRESS

Unusual lack of motivation or discipline

Feeling tired constantly even if haven’t done anything exhausting

Inconvenience impacts you more

Overthinking about small things

Trouble with sleeping

Low appetite

Focusing is harder

Crying or feeling tearful over small things

This is not the complete list of symptoms, but these are the things I feel/do when I feel stressed. Stress will look different for everyone, so you need to be able to create your own list of signs when you feel stressed. 

CREATING A STRESS MANAGEMENT PLAN

Creating a plan helps you to be prepared to effectively address and cope with stress. It allows you to be more productive and improves mental health when you use this plan when needed. 

Here are a few steps to creating your own!

Identify stress triggers. What do you dread the most? What makes you feel drained? What do you overthink about? Answer these questions to figure out what triggers your stress.

Assess your coping strategies. Notice if you have any ways of coping that are self-destructive, as this only contributes to your stress. 

Choose 1-3 activities that are fun to you and are not self-destructive. These activities do not have to be productive or beneficial, but they have to make you feel relaxed and generally feel better

Choose one relaxation technique and one self-care activity. These are up to you, as we tend to neglect self-care relaxation when we’re stressed. 

Optional, but have one person who you can talk to when you’re stressed. When we are stressed, we tend to look at the smaller picture but talking to someone else helps us gain a greater perspective on the matter. 

PRETTIEINPINK’S EXAMPLE PLAN

(If doing something that is my stress trigger, slot a time in the day to do my plan.)

Journal about why I’m stressed 

Make a cup of strawberry and mango tea

Read a nice story while drinking tea

Guided stress meditation

Eat some fruits 

Another thing when creating you plan to not restrict yourself using time. Allow yourself to take as much time as needed to alleviate yourself of stress. 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 

Being emotionally intelligent is a skill. It is the ability to understand, process and communicate emotions effectively. 

There are times when we do sometimes let our emotions take over and they dictate our actions, thoughts and words. This is why we need to build this skill, to get that control over our emotions back. 

Thinking before you speak is an oldie but goodie. What we say can drastically influence the current situation for better or for worse. If you think that what you might say is rude, offensive or crude, don’t say it at all. 

Also, stay quiet! I am all for standing up for yourself when being disrespected, but you need to recognise when someone is trying to rile you up... They WANT a reaction out of you. Most likely to use against you. Silently exit the situation instead. 

If you are someone who gets a lot of energy from big emotions like anger, dejection, sadness, and jealousy, try to channel that energy into something that requires you to have a lot of energy and is beneficial to you. Keeping that energy in until you blow up is a no-no.

Not everyone is trying to hold you back with ill intent. People’s previous experiences can influence the advice they give to you because they have your best interest at heart. They know that their method worked, which is why they’re advising it. These types of people don’t understand that there is more than one way, but they still love you.

Avoid prolonging emotions. When you’re sad, don’t listen to depressing music. When you’re angry, don’t consume ragefuel. It’s very easy in this age of consuming to amplify therefore prolonging emotions, but it holds us back. Process it, and move on.

Stop acting on a whim. Go where your heart takes you, but reflect on it and create a plan. When you do, you end up in unfavourable circumstances. The most common one is working so hard to get to a certain point, only to realise that you don’t even like it. This is why reflection is important. 

Be kind even when you’re not receiving it. Kindness is only kind when we do it out of pure love instead of personal gain. Stop expecting people to be kind to you after you’ve been kind to them. Kindness is a debt-free action.

[moonkissedvisions]

Pick a card: Messages from the Divine Feminine within you

The Divine Feminine explained

Consider:

This is a general reading. Take what resonates and leave the rest.

Tarot readings don´t replace professional advice.

English is not my first language.

To choose a pile, ask yourself: What do I need to know from the DF?

Pile one

Cards: The Devil, 3 of Pentacles, The Chariot, Page of Wands, 9 of Pentacles, 7 of Pentacles.

Power

Pile 1, the DF is asking you to take your power back, to remember how powerful you are and how YOU are the only one who has control over your choices. No one but you has control over your desires, responsibilities, and decisions. There is something that may be trapping you, draining you, or making you feel like you lost your power and have no control over your life. This could be an obsession or addiction, a strong sexual desire, overspending, codependency, unhealthy habits, negative thoughts, an internal or external narrative that you are hanging on, overindulgence, etc. It could be anything that is potentially hindering your spiritual growth and responsibilities. You have to remember now what you came here for and what truly and wholy fulfills you, instead of seeking a quick dopamine hit. You must look at your environment and see where the negative influences are, but you also must see inside yourself and meet your shadow.

You need to know that you are not the victim, that you are not helpless, that you are in fact responsible and FREE, and that you have a lot of power and control on your hands. Get out of your own way now. Accept your darkness, and then redirect your attention to your light. Make good choices by practicing mindfulness. Shadow work is particularly beneficial if you have these struggles. You can ask yourself what's holding you back or why are you running away from your path. When you check in your environment, consciously remove any energy that may be negatively affecting you. Start to be aware of the stories that you tell yourself, but also the ones that you find in your environment, in social media, in the social groups you are in, at work, school or home, within a relationship.  You can also ask yourself: Am I afraid of my creative power? Is that why I give it up or waste it in short-term pleasures? Learn how to discern passion from agression, when to apply each, and when not to.

Connections

Another message from the DF is to seek collaboration and support from others. At this time, your knowledge and experiences are especially valued and recognized when you share and distribute them with others than when you work by yourself, and you'll find better results by combining your capacities with those of others and work together as a team. Each person contributes with their skills to get greater success and more time for you to rest and practice self-care. Don't be afraid to share your work with others if it´s too much to do alone. People will be happy to help you achieve common goals. At first, your progress may seem small, but if you all apply a good organization, planification and work distribution, you will be getting there soon! If you are someone used to working alone, this is the time to try something new.  

Success

You are in your success era, achieving your goals, traveling, moving, learning a lot of new things, going to a bunch of new places. You have to keep trusting your vision, embodying your success, and holding on to the feeling of being capable of reaching your goals, every of them. Love your life, rejoice in victorious/winner energy by looking how far you've come and remembering your endless possibilities! This will have you attracting more and more. It's the time to enjoy your secure, abundant life. Delight in your comfort. See how your abundance benefits your spiritual and personal development and relish. Some of you may be obtaining a higher social status or receiving surprising news. Keep your choices intentional and aware but permit yourself to enjoy comfort, rest, and a relaxing time in nature. Invest your money in yourself, in beauty and pleasure. Allow yourself to eat the fruits of your labor.

Excitement 

You have curiosity and enthusiasm. The energy from this pile is so exciting and youthful. There can be a new opportunity to learn about your path, yourself, or something new that catches your attention. Perhaps you were just going to start a new creative project or try something again but with a different mindset and fewer inhibitions. You could explore a more optimistic attitude. There is also a possibility of a new journey or some sort of spiritual renewal happening. Whatever it is, I hope it's true for every one of you because it sounds amazing, Pile one. There are lots of confirmations that you are on the right path. If you were being restricted by limiting beliefs, or maybe a know-it-all mindset was stopping you from learning new things, this is your sign to start again and to unleash your inner child. Unleash what makes you young and that which has not yet matured in your life. 

song: aguardiente y limón by Kali Uchis. so on point lol

If it's true life is what you make it. All the seeds that I planted will grow, grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. I just want to savor the fruits of my labor.

Pile two

Cards: The Empress, Justice, Queen of Swords, The Hierophant, King of Cups, Strength.

Divine, royal spirit

The DF is giving you a lot of words of affirmation, Pile two. Your self-awareness is perfect. You have a fair, logical, rational and realistic mind that's perfectly combined with an empathetic, optimistic, intuitive, and emotionally intelligent mind. You are honest AND considerate. Your intuition is HIGH. You help people with your unmatched advice, vast knowledge, unbiased perspectives, and your clever ideas and thoughts. All of your mental abilities are on point. You have an open heart, but not a naive one at all. You know how to discern reality from illusion, and how to get the best of each. It's giving queen/king energy. You are romantizing your life INTELLIGENTLY, with meaning, reason, and intention. You value both internal and external beauty. You are your own empire, your own sacred temple, your own altar. If you are not already embodying this energy you need to start ASAP. This is such a powerful pile. You are truly embodying your Divine Feminine energy: creative, kind, intuitive, emotionally intelligent, dedicated, beautiful, loving, mindful, balanced, empowering, respectful, wholesomely feminine. You are an example of feminine integrity. If you have been shamed for your feminine power, for your sexuality, for your mystery, for your magic or any aspect of your femininity completely disregard it. Keep embracing the feminine arts. You are learning to be emotionally vulnerable when is proper, and how to express your emotions with self-respect. You understand others's emotions and you know the importance of emotional health. You support others´s in their emotional expression. At the same time, you value facts and evidence. You are an independent thinker. You are sincere. You are real. You are connected to your cycle and those of life and nature. You are connected to the invisible, you are one step forward. You may trigger some people with your truth, but you need to know that you are doing the right thing. You are speaking facts people need to hear. You are taking care of your health, your appearance, your community, you are blooming. You are a legacy, you are ROYALTY. You recognize the worth in yourself and others. If you don't feel like this, unless you chose the wrong Pile, the DF is trying to tell you that you have the potential to be all of it. Follow your feminine wisdom. There is a lot of abundance coming towards you and you deserve it all. If this is what you want, you are attracting someone who matches your energy, your divine counterpart. You are magnetic to all blessings. You are blessed.

Strength

You have the capacity to use your mind in your favor, to focus on what you desire, to give energy to what you want to grow in your life, and to be patient with yourself and what you do. Your high determination and control over your thoughts will take you far, and you'll attract what you want if you keep yourself calm and collected. You need to be aware of your thoughts, habits, and beliefs and take conscious control, but just surrender to the rest. Don't forget to be compassionate towards yourself and others. Keep reminding yourself of your inner power and capacity. Carry on having the control over your impulses and you'll attract all the solutions that you need. You are strong! 

Ritual

With The Hierophant card, your DF messages are about ritual, tradition, religion, and family. You could connect or reconnect to your traditions, start or continue practicing your rituals, and strengthen your faith. If you belong to a religion or a religious practice, it will be beneficial to attend its ceremonies, social events, and to visit temples/churches. You could also benefit from praying, giving offerings, reading sacred scriptures/books, whatever you resonate with. If you don't belong to a religion but you recently became interested in doing so, this could be a sign to do it. If you don't belong to any, and not interested in religion, this is just that rituals/ritualization of what you do is beneficial for you at this time. You could start a new ritual/tradition that will help you feel more connected to yourself and the DF. For some of you, you could reconnect to your family, a parent, someone familiar, or find a new meaning to the concept of "family". Marriages are possible too. There is someone with high morals, great wisdom, someone who answers questions or gives advice, a teacher, a family-oriented person who values tradition, a serious person with their priorities in order. Whether is you or someone in your life, this energy will be favourable for your spiritual growth. Try new things, find new patterns, reevaluate your beliefs.

song: The Girl With A Tattoo enter.lewd by Miguel

Those innocent eyes. That smile on your face. Makes it easy to trust you.

Pile three

Cards: The Devil, Page of Cups, 5 of Wands, Queen of Pentacles, 3 of Cups

Creative new start

The energy of this pile is very similar to Pile 1. Something is holding you back, but in this pile it´s more of an emotional problem. Your DF message suggests that the thing that's holding you back has a lot to do with how you emotionally respond to situations and how you deal with lower passions, temptation, dark thoughts. For some of you, it's your own emotional baggage and negative self talk that's hindering your creativity and growth. For others is a relationship. For maybe a small portion of you, it's a drinking or addiction problem rooted in emotional disorders, escapism, and avoidance. Know that choosing to let go and break free from these habits will give you a fresh start emotionally and creatively, and you are able to choose. When you do, new doors will open for you, and you'll have the possibility to fulfill your dreams and satisfy your emotional needs in more healthy and creative ways. You may also find a way to channel your darkness/shadow in creative ways that will bring more light as a result, or maybe you recently started doing that, and that is your message. In the first pile, there was some possible new spiritual journey or learning path. Here it's more about your creativity, relationships, and emotions. Express yourself, seek love and support, let things flow and unapologetically open your heart. Stop taking yourself and life very seriously. Be more silly is what your DF is saying lol. Your dreams may be getting prophetic too or you are seeing a lot of signs from the Universe. Good news from family, like a marriage, or family getting bigger.

Resolution

If you were looking for a conflict resolution, this is a confirmation that it's coming. Your DF suggests to have a healthy approach to the conflict, put your ego aside and listen to others without competing for who is in the right. There may be different opinions, conflicting thoughts/feelings or people trying to push their own agenda, even someone willing to manipulate or deceive others. A lot of egos fighting and trying to impose themselves. You just need to be empathetic and compassionate, use your intuition, and don´t judge anyone personally. Be brave. Listen and consider all different points of view and encourage the rest to do the same. Don´t be afraid to say what you think. Be aware of selfishness and apathy and don´t tolerate it. This could also be a sign that you'll have to face conflict soon, and you need to be cautious with how you handle the situation. If you handle conflict with acceptance and compassion, you will definitely gain new and favorable connections, collaboration, and material success. You may also get a lot of recognition for how you handle conflict and for your ability to relate to different people with a variety of backgrounds, knowledge, and talents. 

Prosperity 

You may be a practical person and that´s why you like to show affection and love in practical ways. I see you being a homemaker, enjoying cooking and cleaning, creating your business, baking, creating a nice environment, tending to people, and bringing pleasure into the mundane. You are a self-sufficient person with endless energy and dedication. If you don't already, you'll have extra money to share and spoil yourself and your loved ones soon. Prosperity and material success are coming for you. You have everything you need to be successful and independent. You are worthy of everything in the material world. Make the best of your material world. Your needs and those of your family are taken care of. Don´t be afraid of receiving/making money and living a comfortable life. Make the best out of your prosperity and all the opportunities that you have to be prosperous.

Unconditional support

You probably have a nice and loving group of friends, Pile 3. Friendships and social connections are so important for you at this moment, especially female ones. You are giving and receiving a lot of love and support from people. You are being invited to visit new places, hang out, attend parties and events. Say yes to all you desire without feeling guilty. Celebrate without having a big motive. Your ability to socialize is high, and you'll be receiving multiple friendly offerings. You could join a joyful creative group or receive support for your creative ideas. If you keep your creativity a secret, this may be the sign to share it with others and find other creative people who can inspire and encourage you. This is mutual and reciprocal energy. Appreciate your female friends, celebrate the friendships in your life and keep back and forth communication between you and them. Give them your time and let them give you theirs. This will strengthen your connection with your DF.  

song: Material Girl by Madonna.

Experience has made me rich. And now they´re after me.

Thank you for reading and supporting my Tarot readings. ily <3